I got spanked, and I’m still mad/upset! Now what?

Recently I have had conversations with several different people about the “after” part of a spanking.  The fairy tale version of a punishment spanking is this:

  • You do something wrong, knowingly or unknowingly.
    .
  • You get spanked for it, willingly or unwillingly.
    .
  • Much crying and “ouch”ing later, all is forgiven and restored.  Peace reigns.

Hands up if this has happened to you.  It is great, isn’t it?  Then you go about your daily life feeling happy, secure, protected, and disciplined.  Your relationship is closer.  You are more relaxed, more peaceful, more at ease with yourself and everyone around you.

It rocks.

Hands up if this has ever not quite been as successful.  Oh come on, admit it.  Are you seriously trying to tell me that every single punishment spanking has left you purring contentedly in an obedient, relaxed state?

Don’t you know the consequences for lying?  😉

Let’s look at another scenario:

  • You maybe do something wrong, knowingly or unknowingly.  You think that the other person was just as wrong as you if not more so.  Or you know you did something wrong but are sure that the other person isn’t understanding the situation.  Yes, maybe you broke the rule but there were these extenuating circumstances, see?  Or you don’t think your partner was clear about expectations.
    .
  • You try to explain.  Or argue.  Or convince the other person that this is just not going to work.  Or you submit to the punishment in body but not in spirit.  Or you truly don’t understand (or are not told) why you earned the punishment in the first place.  You spin in agony not knowing how to prevent future recurrences.
    .
  • After the spanking, the case is supposed to be closed.  Your partner says that it is over.  Not for you.  You are angry at getting spanked, tearful at needing to be spanked, confused about what you did wrong, defensive/frustrated/unhappy/depressed/needy/withdrawn.  You are upset, but you don’t want to get another spanking so you stuff it inside.  Or you let it simmer with irritated comments.
    .
  • More than likely, you earn another spanking.  Or you withdraw completely (perhaps getting a spanking for that!) and there is distance between you and your partner.  The distance might hurt less in the short term, but it will mean a lot of hard, painful (for both of you!) work in the future to restore your relationship balance.
    .
  • Rinse and repeat.

Sound familiar?

Please forgive me for stating the obvious, but punishments suck.  They are supposed to.  Otherwise they would be called rewards.  An effective punishment is something that you truly hate, do not want to incur again, and jerks you to a quick stop.

Punishments are so powerful that they can have unintended side effects.  Resentment, anger, deception, withdrawal, and lowered self-esteem are all issues that may arise after a punishment.  We generally like to picture ourselves as capable human beings.  A punishment, especially if it is for something that we genuinely did not try to do or genuinely tried to prevent happening, can ignite any or all of these responses.

The wonderful thing about being an adult (rather than a child who screams, “I hate you!” after a punishment) is that we can consciously choose to work on our responses to a punishment.  After or during a punishment, if we are angry/resentful/etc. we can stop to ask ourselves why.  Are we angry at our partner for punishing us?  Or are we angry at ourselves for needing to be punished?  Are we angry thinking the punishment was unfair?  Or are we angry that we did something wrong and needed to be caught?

There is a gentler version of this response, usually for people who want to please, and it goes something like this:

  • You do something wrong, knowingly or unknowingly.
    .
  • You get spanked for it.
    .
  • You are devastated at needing to be spanked, feel horrible about yourself, and lose confidence in your ability to do what you need to do.
    .
  • You give up, consciously or unconsciously, and earn a similar or even the same consequence again.
    .
  • Rinse and repeat.

Accepting discipline, accepting consequences, and accepting responsibility for your actions is never weak.  Never.  It takes great strength and character to stand in front of someone else (okay, perhaps lie across his or her lap) and say, “What I did was wrong.  I am sorry, I accept punishment for it, and I will do my best not to let it happen again.  Please help me.”

Wow!

Is it any wonder that people in committed adult disciplinary relationships tend to be the strongest people around?  To be disciplined and punished as a child is one thing.  It sucks.  But we all know adults who were not disciplined as children and sorely (or un-sorely) needed it, right?  As an adult, to willingly and consciously choose to be in a disciplinary relationship…wow.

Thus concludes the first episode of Ask Ana.  😀

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25 thoughts on “I got spanked, and I’m still mad/upset! Now what?

  1. joeyred51 says:

    Ana,

    I believe firmly in consensual spankings. Consenting to a DD relationship means the bottom accepts punishment as part of that dynamic.

    I prefer to be spanked as punishment because it provides closure for both people. I feel it is much better than other forms of “punishment” such as silence, sulking, pouting, etc.

    However, I would be very upset if I really believed the punishment was unfair. I would feel resentment and not closure. Each couple has to work out how to determine fairness.

    Thanks Ana,

    Hug,
    joey

    Like

    • Ana says:

      Hm, I think that for some people feeling as if a punishment is not fair can be a defensive reaction. I don’t mean an adult, thoughtful, reasoned decision that in the circumstances it was an unfair response but the knee-jerk anger of “It’s not fair!” that sometimes happens afterward. Thank you for helping me to clarify the difference.

      Like

  2. Lillie says:

    What a very interesting post, Ana.
    I must have experienced all those scenarios.
    This is what I would like HoHs to know: that it is not a good time to ask someone questions during a spanking. How can Ian expect truthful answers? Of course I am going to lie to get him to stop. I am going to involve myself in the plot to assassinate Lincoln, it is means Ian will stop spanking me.
    Endeavouring to elicit response from me at that time, is no different in theory than your dentist trying to have an interactive conversation while filling a tooth. Someone is going to get bitten.
    Just spank me, let me lick my wounds in private and then I will come out of it or I won’t, but follow up questions or surveys during the act are just inhumane.
    I loved this discussion and I enjoyed the rant I just had. Thanks, Sweetie. 😀

    Like

    • Ana says:

      LOL! Lillie dear, I guess you forgot the part about submitting to discipline not meaning you get to call all the shots? If we had a write-in post asking all people involved in a disciplinary relationship to say what their partner does that they don’t like, I think the list would be endless.

      Also, you know that ranting about it will just convince Ian that he needs to continue with what he is doing, right? (Please correct me if I am wrong, Ian.) The more we try to control how we are disciplined, the more we convince them to continue with their approach of discipline. Particularly in Ian’s case because he has never, ever shown signs of backing down or shying away from being firm.

      Plus, a lot of the time questions during and immediately after are to make sure that you understand why you are being punished and what you need to do in order not to get punished again. In my mind, it is far more inhumane to punish you without telling you clearly why or what you need to do. To be punished and then be left with *no* clue what you did wrong…now to me that is wrong.

      Love ya too, mother hen.

      Like

  3. Lillie says:

    When did you take Ian’s side?
    Don’t you know that is about blindly siding with me because you like me better?
    Is Ian talking to you on the side? Eeek!

    The obvious flaw with the system that requires the submissive to accept punishment with zen like humility is this: I an better at being in control. If I am the one deciding when and why I am punished, preferably with a gentle erotic tone and glasses of wine, then I am going to be much more responsive.
    Doesn’t it then follow that I am going to accept that discipline better and learn from my mistakes?
    I suppose I agree in theory with the last statement about the inhumanity of spanking someone without clearly telling them why…….but the questions Ian asks are trick ones.
    He asks me things like, “are you still angry?”
    He is spanking me, of course I am angry.
    It is like creating a criminal. He has set me up to lie to him. Of course I lie.
    If he didn’t want to make me into a liar – he shouldn’t ask the question.
    Logic, Ana. That is what I am talking about.
    🙂
    Love you too, dear.

    Like

    • Ana says:

      LOL again. See, you have a sense of humor even when you are hopping mad about a punishment. Plus you have the guts to talk about it rather than just stuff it away and simmer. Don’t underestimate my respect for you.

      Plus, this isn’t about zen-like humility. Strong women got strong for a reason. We dealt with crap. We learned to kick you-know-what. For you it sounds like it is more about trust rather than humility. You still want to be in charge (without quite being in charge) because you’re sure that you somehow, somehow have a better idea how to handle things than Ian does. Remember his comment about the two steering wheels in the car? You can’t submit mostly but keep the wheel to yourself as an emergency option…that then becomes a fallback whenever you freak out.

      Yes, punishments freak us out. If you are still angry, you’re still angry. There is no shame in being angry. The longer and tighter you hold onto it, the stronger it gets. When you release it and trust Ian to deal with it (and you) honestly and fairly, you can admit YES I AM FREAKING MAD but the world won’t come to an end. Or you can admit yes you are mad but you recognize that this is all his decision. Or you can say you know you have to submit but it sucks and you hate it. All fair, all true. He may decide that yes, you do need more spanking to help you calm down and deal with it. He may decide that soothing you will be more helpful.

      But once you gave the car keys and steering wheel to him, it became his decision. Don’t get me wrong. It maybe never gets easy. Think of it this way. You can hold onto your anger and resistance and so on, but that’s going to mean an awful lot of spankings. Are you sure it’s worth it? Isn’t it better to turn your immense strength to working on your submission rather than fighting the person who loves you better than life itself?

      How powerful it would be to go to Ian after (or during a spanking) and say, “Honey, I’m so furious at you that I want to spit! Help me, please.”

      Like

  4. Lillie says:

    Oh my…..I will have to think about that last part. hmmmmm…
    I’ll get back to you..
    Kidding, sense of humour? Um….I was serious. 🙂

    Like

  5. Cara Bristol says:

    A thought-provoking post! You highlight the difference between fiction and real life. In DD fiction, the heroes are always handsome, noble and strong and the heroines are beautiful and feisty. But in real life with real people, the lines are not so clear.

    Trust is critical and absolute. You have to be able to trust that your partner has your best interest at heart. I personally believe that if that is not the case, then spanking should not occur. Regardless of what you’ve agreed to, you always have the right to say no and should say no when it is not in YOUR best interests.

    Punishment MUST be fair to be effective. Would you punish your children unfairly? Unfair punishment only teaches that what one does doesn’t matter, and therefore it does not promote positive behavior.

    The fact is, husbands, wives, partners are not always right even when they may be the HoH. Sometimes they act like assholes and their motivation is not “pure.” In instances, they may be worse than assholes.

    A hypothetical example: I read an advice column recently in which the husband had an affair with his wife’s friend. They used to socialize as a couple with her and her husband. The affair ended, and the “friend” and her spouse are divorcing. The woman’s husband now insists that they socialize as a threesome with the friend he had affair with. The wife has been going along with it, but when they come home she feels very unhappy at having had to make nice with the other woman.

    Now, this isn’t a DD marriage. But let’s assume hypothetically that it is. And let’s assume the couple and the “friend” go out as threesome, after which the wife comes home bitchier than hell. And she gets spanked for it.

    IMHO no way should she allow a spanking. In fact, she ought to divorce his ass.

    I’m not advocating DD nor am I opposing it. But you have to have trust and fairness both before you enter into that kind of a relationship or allow that kind of relationship to continue.

    Your partner might assume the role of your protector, but ultimately, you are your ultimate protector and you alone.

    Like

    • Ana says:

      Oh, wow. Cara, this is brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I don’t think I can respond adequately here. Let me think about this for a bit, and I’d like to write a follow-up post. You (and Joey and Lillie) have pointed out several things I took for granted in writing this post, and that absolutely is not the case in many relationships. There are people who use “DD” as a way to abuse power. I was speaking about rebelling within a relationship of mutual trust when the HoH has earned that trust from the partner.

      Thank you for making me think!

      Like

  6. kiwigirliegirl says:

    great thought provoking post Ana, and I agree that spankings and punishments must be fair, or they will result in much much worse behaviour. I think that a bottom has to be careful not to try and control the situation…and its takes a experienced top to realise when this is happening. It takes time and patience and lots and lots of practice. It is a very fine line….and there must be absolute openess and honesty and trust in each other. I think a bottom must have the right to “defend” him/herself prior to the spanking/punishment is given. A top must take this defence seriously and consider fairly and evenly the bottom’s argument.
    Unless of course there is a very clear rule breaking which is defenceless.
    I for one would far rather have a spanking than fighting and arguing and the silent treatment.
    It is an ever chancing dynamic.
    hugs kiwi xxx

    Like

    • Ana says:

      I will be writing a follow-up later because there are a lot of things I didn’t address, but I am not sure that there should always be a defense allowed. In some relationships to submit as part of obedience is a requirement, and in some relationships there is the understanding that while the disciplinarian will do the very best to make sure punishments are deserved and fair, it is always possible for something to be unfair. An unfair spanking can do a lot of damage, but as you say the fighting and arguing and silent treatment can be far worse.

      *hugs*

      Like

  7. lea27f says:

    This is an interesting topic. I’ve experienced all three of the scenarios you describe. The not understanding/agreeing with why it is happening can be extremely frustrating. This happened quite a bit with my ex-husband. I think part of my problem was in my head I didn’t accept him as a dominant person. He was vanilla and only occasionally doing the spanking thing thinking it would appease me.

    Because of that, I felt he didn’t care all that much and the rules were stupid and why should I bother? So when something did occur and he was going to spank me for it, I’d really fight him on it. This left him feeling frustrated because he didn’t understand why I’d fight him on something that I said I ultimately “wanted.” Therefore he’d just not do it. That left me feeling frustrated that my needs were going unattended and he didn’t get it.

    The moral of the story is communication and understanding TTWD never really ends, no matter the relationship. If I can’t even fully understand why I feel these things myself, can I expect someone else to? Oh and also, don’t date vanillas. Lol. I really don’t believe that people can change what is inside of them. You are either into it or not. Sure someone can possibly learn the technical skills of spanking, but that mental aspect can’t really be taught. You have it or you don’t. Sorry I went on a tangent here.

    Like

    • Ana says:

      It really IS a tough one…we want to be held accountable but it is a constant struggle to maintain a balance. Holding back and just trying to be good vs. letting go too much and dumping all over our poor partner.

      I think it’s not just kink/vanilla but also that this communication stuff is really, really hard. With ttwd it is more explicit. With other relationships it is still there but disguised.

      Like

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