Please welcome the lovely Natasha Knight who will chat with us today about the “S” word. No, not that word. The *other* “S” word. (Protect your children’s ears, please.) You may remember Natasha from the Advent Calendar when she posted about keeping American Christmas customs in the Netherlands. She is also the official translator when we need to give Bas a hard time. 🙂
Natasha’s book, Naia and the Professor, has received a great deal of attention recently. She’s also recently published another book, but I’ll let her tell you about that at the end of the post.
My daughter crept into my bed last night. She wasn’t feeling well and I’d already fallen asleep so I only realized it when her little hand found mine sometime in the night. As much as I love it when my kids sleep in my bed, I end up not getting a whole lot of sleep myself because I just lay there watching them, listening to their little breath, kissing their soft, warm faces. It’s heaven.
As I was lying there holding her hand, I kept thinking how much bigger it had gotten. How much bigger she had gotten. It got me thinking about time and how quickly it truly does pass and where I am now compared to where I was when she was a baby.
When we just had our first child, my husband and I were at a ski resort and I was sitting in the café with my daughter on my lap. She was about one and a half years old then, old enough to know she wanted to explore and not be on mommy’s lap! I met a woman there who made a comment I’ll never forget. She said ‘the days are endless but the years fly by.’
At that point, I could only focus on the ‘days are endless’ part because it was a lot of work. Actually, being a mom was (and is) the hardest work I’d ever done. But the second part of her sentence kind of took up a little space in my brain and just sat there, waiting for me to hear it.
I write erotic romance. I categorize it as Casual BDSM with a lot of spankings. I’ve been writing this genre for about seven, eight months now. I’ve written about my beginnings before and I don’t want to do that now. Instead, I want to talk about how this work has helped me not only find but also free my voice in real life.
I’ve known my husband for a long time, We’ve been married for ten years and dated for five before that. About two, three months ago, I got up enough courage to tell him what I wanted, truly. He’d read just a little of my writing by then and I’d always say ‘hey, just because I write it, doesn’t mean I want it.’ And every time those words would leave my mouth, I’d be kicking myself inside because heck, I did want it! Well, I got the courage to say it – finally. I told him in a very straightforward manner that I like BDSM play. I like being dominated. Submission turns me on…etc… That was hard. But what I did next was harder: I actually said the ‘s’ word. Out loud. No, more than that. I asked him to spank me.
Let me back up for a moment and tell you a little bit about him. I’ll call him B. B is a loving, kind man whom I still find sexy and on top of that, he’s an amazing dad. Why it took this many years for me to tell him what I told him was because it took me that long to figure out for myself that there’s nothing wrong with me for wanting that. I suppose in the months prior to this ‘coming out’, I came to terms with it myself. Maybe felt less shame.
A plague on that word…
That moment when I had the conversation with B was the moment I found – or more accurately, freed my voice. It was me speaking something from somewhere very private, very deep inside me. I turned 41 this year and between that and my writing, things were shifting. There’s a quote I like – I think it was Carl Sandburg but here it is: ‘Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let others spend it for you.’ I guess I was fed up of fear spending my damned coin!
All that said, coming out has been very powerful for me. It’s changed so many things. I find myself to be more open about this side of things to the point where I have to be careful what I say because I am not ready to let my neighbors or the parents of my kids’ friends know that I live a double life as Natasha Knight. But I am also no longer ashamed of my desires. My relationship with my husband has changed. It wasn’t bad to begin with. He’s always sort of known how to manage me or handle me. He’s always indulged me I suppose and although my revelation came as a surprise to him (I’m very good at keeping secrets) and it took him (and maybe is still taking him) time to wrap his brain around the idea, he also has made more than a singular effort. Hey, he even made me a flogger. Yep, home made. Sweet, huh?
I love the feeling I have toward him the days after a session. I feel so close and cherished? Is that the word? And I think he is finding something similar because there’s just a little, subtle layer of intimacy between us that wasn’t there before. Trust is an interesting thing. I mention above that submission is a turn on, and trust plays such a huge role in that – in this whole thing. The dominant partner must earn that submission and that can only be earned through trust.
Someone asked me once how long I thought I could keep writing erotic romance or if there wasn’t something else I wanted to write. At this moment, and especially when I look back over the years and how far I’ve come, I can’t imagine not writing it. I love it, I learn so much in the process of writing a story. Hey, it helped me free my voice and maybe it will help someone else do just that in their own life.
Thanks for having me here today Ana. This has been really a very good thing for me to write.