This past week, I received a delightful question from a reader. For the sake of brevity, I’ll modify the conversation.
Reader: What is a spanking?
Ana: Do you mean for kinky sexy fun, or for discipline?
Reader: The way it is in your books.
Ana: Do you mean the relationship dynamic?
Reader: Yes. It might be fun to try it, but I don’t like pain.
Ana: Oh, a spanking doesn’t have to hurt a lot! There are many ways to do it. You could swat a bit, rub a lot, and swat a little bit more.
Reader: That sounds just about perfect!
Ana: How would you like me to write a post about this?
Reader: Oh, yes please!
I mentioned this conversation to a few other “spank-no” readers who enjoy the benefits of spanking but not the “ouch” factor. The response was quite positive, and one reader mentioned that even after years of spanking she still doesn’t enjoy the pain.
How do you give spanking a try if you’re not keen on pain? First of all, start with slow, gentle steps. For people who don’t relish giving or receiving pain, intimate contact can make the experience enjoyable. Perhaps you could try a hand swat over thick clothing, such as jeans. It shouldn’t hurt much, and you will most likely giggle at the new sensation. It’s common to feel embarrassed or awkward when you begin, so keep it light-hearted. A friend of mine received her first “spanking” when her husband swatted her once with a plastic spatula while they were both cooking. She laughed, he laughed, and they went about their ordinary life.
Remember your first kiss? Your first crush? You did a little dance, going forward and backward while taking tiny steps. Trying spanking is similar. Have a little playful fun, retreat to your usual method of interaction, and try some more. You might find that it is wonderful, or you may realize you don’t like it. Don’t put expectations on yourself or your partner. If you like the spanking, great. If not, you still have your relationship.
Okay, you tell me. We fooled around a bit, but that’s not enough. I want to try a real spanking.
The next step I would recommend is a gentle spanking. Make yourself comfortable so you won’t feel rushed. One good position for beginners is for the spankee to bend over the back of the couch. It’s not very intimate, but it gives support and is easy to maintain. Lift your hips over the very top of the sofa back, and your bottom will be in prime position for swats.
Another good position is for the spanker to sit on a bed with the spankee lying across the lap. Legs can be bent so feet rest on the floor, or the spankee can lie flat with legs across the top of the bed. This also gives back support while allowing for touch.
Once you’ve found a position that works for you, experiment with your clothing. Do you prefer having your panties and skirt/pants on (to feel less self-conscious, or to lessen the pain), or do you like the sensation of skin against skin? Try a few swats with the hand, without worrying about technique. You can get silly, if you want, and pretend to play bongo drums. 🙂 Talk to each other and make sure you both feel all right with what’s happening.
One small trick: spankings hurt far less on skin that has been warmed up. You can do this with light hand spanking, but you can also use a heating pad on your bottom. You may also find that keeping on panties only is a good compromise between too much pain (completely bare) and not enough contact (completely clothed). A thin layer of clothing can absorb much of the surface sting while still giving you lovely warmth.
At first, stick to just the hand. Hand spanking has a built-in safety limit (especially for women who keep hands soft with moisturizer and creams) because the spanker will feel it, too. There’s a reason Natalie only gives Kat a hand spanking as a reward. 🙂
If you want to experiment with implements, try ordinary household items. Modern hairbrushes, hollow and lightweight plastic (don’t confuse these with the heavy, solid wood kind that terrorizes naughty spankees across the globe..or globes), are a relatively mild first implement to use. Be careful not to use items with sharp edges that can cut into the skin. Another implement that most people have lying around is a wooden spoon. I’m a fan of wooden spoons. 🙂 However, the tiny surface area can leave wicked bruises and pain, so use it lightly at first. Wooden spoons are great because they are cheap, round, easy to grip, and ubiquitous.
If you are willing and able to make a financial investment, a small leather paddle (similar in size to a large hairbrush, but all leather without the bristles) can be wonderful. Smaller implements are better at first because they are easier to aim, but you have to be careful not to strike too hard or all in the same spot, unless you like bruises.
After you’ve experimented with different kinds of spanking and feel more comfortable, you may discover a paradox. You don’t like the sting of the pain, but you love the soothing, blissful afterglow. You may relish the…ahem…intimacy that comes with the spanking. 😉 At this point, my advice will sound counterintuitive.
In order to get past the “ouch” factor and get to the happy relaxing place, you need to accept the pain.
Too many people give up on spanking because they say, “Ouch! Ouch! Stop!” Then the spanking stops too soon, and they are left with pain and not pleasure. When you and your partner have built up enough trust, you should be able to read each other (and communicate with each other) so the spanker can help you push past the pain. At the same time, pushing too hard can leave you anxious, frustrated, and confused. Relax, immerse yourself in the experience, and give up control. Try increasing the spankings a little at a time, or if you prefer the approach of diving head-first into cold water, try a rapid fire of hard spanks. Especially with wooden implements, your bottom will build up a tolerance/numbness during the spanking until the impact feels like a deep tissue massage rather than pain. Relax, give yourself into the experience, and breathe.
What was it like your first time? How did you learn to manage the “ouchiness” and still enjoy a spanking?