Tuesday with Ana: So you want to try a little spanking, but you don’t like pain?

This past week, I received a delightful question from a reader. For the sake of brevity, I’ll modify the conversation.

Reader: What is a spanking?

Ana: Do you mean for kinky sexy fun, or for discipline?

Reader: The way it is in your books.
Ana: Do you mean the relationship dynamic?

Reader: Yes. It might be fun to try it, but I don’t like pain.

Ana: Oh, a spanking doesn’t have to hurt a lot! There are many ways to do it. You could swat a bit, rub a lot, and swat a little bit more.

Reader: That sounds just about perfect!

Ana: How would you like me to write a post about this?

Reader: Oh, yes please!

I mentioned this conversation to a few other “spank-no” readers who enjoy the benefits of spanking but not the “ouch” factor. The response was quite positive, and one reader mentioned that even after years of spanking she still doesn’t enjoy the pain.

How do you give spanking a try if you’re not keen on pain? First of all, start with slow, gentle steps. For people who don’t relish giving or receiving pain, intimate contact can make the experience enjoyable. Perhaps you could try a hand swat over thick clothing, such as jeans. It shouldn’t hurt much, and you will most likely giggle at the new sensation. It’s common to feel embarrassed or awkward when you begin, so keep it light-hearted. A friend of mine received her first “spanking” when her husband swatted her once with a plastic spatula while they were both cooking. She laughed, he laughed, and they went about their ordinary life.

Remember your first kiss? Your first crush? You did a little dance, going forward and backward while taking tiny steps. Trying spanking is similar. Have a little playful fun, retreat to your usual method of interaction, and try some more. You might find that it is wonderful, or you may realize you don’t like it. Don’t put expectations on yourself or your partner. If you like the spanking, great. If not, you still have your relationship.

Okay, you tell me. We fooled around a bit, but that’s not enough. I want to try a real spanking.

The next step I would recommend is a gentle spanking. Make yourself comfortable so you won’t feel rushed. One good position for beginners is for the spankee to bend over the back of the couch. It’s not very intimate, but it gives support and is easy to maintain. Lift your hips over the very top of the sofa back, and your bottom will be in prime position for swats.

Another good position is for the spanker to sit on a bed with the spankee lying across the lap. Legs can be bent so feet rest on the floor, or the spankee can lie flat with legs across the top of the bed. This also gives back support while allowing for touch.

Once you’ve found a position that works for you, experiment with your clothing. Do you prefer having your panties and skirt/pants on (to feel less self-conscious, or to lessen the pain), or do you like the sensation of skin against skin? Try a few swats with the hand, without worrying about technique. You can get silly, if you want, and pretend to play bongo drums. 🙂 Talk to each other and make sure you both feel all right with what’s happening.

One small trick: spankings hurt far less on skin that has been warmed up. You can do this with light hand spanking, but you can also use a heating pad on your bottom. You may also find that keeping on panties only is a good compromise between too much pain (completely bare) and not enough contact (completely clothed). A thin layer of clothing can absorb much of the surface sting while still giving you lovely warmth.

At first, stick to just the hand. Hand spanking has a built-in safety limit (especially for women who keep hands soft with moisturizer and creams) because the spanker will feel it, too. There’s a reason Natalie only gives Kat a hand spanking as a reward. 🙂

If you want to experiment with implements, try ordinary household items. Modern hairbrushes, hollow and lightweight plastic (don’t confuse these with the heavy, solid wood kind that terrorizes naughty spankees across the globe..or globes), are a relatively mild first implement to use. Be careful not to use items with sharp edges that can cut into the skin. Another implement that most people have lying around is a wooden spoon. I’m a fan of wooden spoons. 🙂 However, the tiny surface area can  leave wicked bruises and pain, so use it lightly at first. Wooden spoons are great because they are cheap, round, easy to grip, and ubiquitous.

If you are willing and able to make a financial investment, a small leather paddle (similar in size to a large hairbrush, but all leather without the bristles) can be wonderful. Smaller implements are better at first because they are easier to aim, but you have to be careful not to strike too hard or all in the same spot, unless you like bruises.

After you’ve experimented with different kinds of spanking and feel more comfortable, you may discover a paradox. You don’t like the sting of the pain, but you love the soothing, blissful afterglow. You may relish the…ahem…intimacy that comes with the spanking. 😉 At this point, my advice will sound counterintuitive.

In order to get past the “ouch” factor and get to the happy relaxing place, you need to accept the pain.

Too many people give up on spanking because they say, “Ouch! Ouch! Stop!” Then the spanking stops too soon, and they are left with pain and not pleasure. When you and your partner have built up enough trust, you should be able to read each other (and communicate with each other) so the spanker can help you push past the pain. At the same time, pushing too hard can leave you anxious, frustrated, and confused. Relax, immerse yourself in the experience, and give up control. Try increasing the spankings a little at a time, or if you prefer the approach of diving head-first into cold water, try a rapid fire of hard spanks. Especially with wooden implements, your bottom will build up a tolerance/numbness during the spanking until the impact feels like a deep tissue massage rather than pain. Relax, give yourself into the experience, and breathe.

What was it like your first time? How did you learn to manage the “ouchiness” and still enjoy a spanking?

33 thoughts on “Tuesday with Ana: So you want to try a little spanking, but you don’t like pain?

  1. Mona Lisa says:

    There are people who enjoy pain and there are those who do not like pain. The words: It hurt so nice, are not together in their vocabulary.

    In their vocabulary is the word pain for pain and nice is for nice.

    You can never become a Spanko if you do not like a bit of pain or have a “need” för this. ( The most av people are not a spanko.)
    It is required that you are a bit of a masochist.
    But why would you get over this stage at all?
    What is wrong with intimacy to feel his hand on your butt, a love slap, caress, kiss, love slap, caress, kiss …
    If you can get high of the adrenaline of love, why do you need get high of adrenaline from pain?..lol..

    No, give me a nice spanking “a la Bas” and pain I leave to masochists … lol ..


  2. Roz says:

    Great post Ana, excellent advice! For me I love the intimacy, connection and after affects of the spanking and not so much the pain. Figuring out how to work through the pain to get to the rest takes time and communication.

    I don’t really remember that much about our first spanking now, but I do remember the first for punishment (funny eh? LoL). It had a completely different feel, different emotions involved and we were both nervous and it felt a little awkward. Spanking by then wasn’t new to us of course … but this was and because we weren’t yet ‘comfortable’ with it, it ended up on the lighter side.



    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Very well said, Roz. It’s such a delicate balance to get to that intimacy and connection, and it takes enormous trust.

      I can believe that you remember the first punishment…those tend to be memorable! I am glad yours ended up being a lighter one. The love is the most important, always.

      Hugs back.


  3. abby says:

    Great advice Ana! My first spanking was hand only over clothing. Lots of rubbing really helps, and often leads to other pleasurable activities.
    hugs abby


    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      That sounds lovely! I do think sometimes people forget that this can be about pleasure, even if it’s primarily a disciplinary arrangement. We all need some rubbing or whatever makes us feel good. Hugs back.


  4. Maren Smith says:

    By the time I was 19, I had fantasized about being spanked for so long, had published three spanking stories and was so eager to experience the real thing that I placed an ad in Stand Corrected (a Shadow Lane publication) looking for a dominant man. Within days of that coming out in print, I had my first adult spanking and I’ve never looked back. I went into it as a game, grinning, it was fun, and that definitely set the stage for playful interaction. It also helped that the man who gave me my first spanking knew what he was doing. He was 25+ years my senior. He’d been spanking submissives for a very long time, and he knew how to give a warm up. We also had great communication and that’s very important too.


    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Wow, Maren. What a story! It’s been a long time since I’ve heard someone mention Stand Corrected…thanks for the nostalgia. Goodness, every one of your comments could be an entire post of its own. I’m so glad you had a good first spanking, especially one from a personal ad.


  5. terpsichore says:

    NIce post. My first spanking was over my husband’s lap with his hand on my clothed bottom…then panties…then bare, all for pleasure. I trust him completely and he in turn trust me to tell him what I need. I have always been a wimp…and he has always been very gentle. He is just now started to test the boundaries (a little). I like what you said about “In order to get past the “ouch” factor and get to the happy relaxing place, you need to accept the pain.” I think there is a lot of truth in that. Thus I like the slow build up. sometimes my hubby forgets the nice long lingering warm-up to achieve that, but I love it all. Then again, I have always been a Spanko…never a Spank-no. 🙂 Hugs


    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Oh, that sounds lovely! A spanking, except for the old-school punishment ones (from a teacher or parent), is first and foremost about connection. It may give a happy little buzz, or it may not. The most important thing is to connect with your loved one. How lovely that you’ve been able to do that. Hugs back, my dancing friend.


  6. Julie says:

    Lovely advice, Ana. Soft swats, soft implements, and plenty of covering or padding would definitely be the way to go.

    And although it might not fit the *exact* spirit of the question, after my recent visits to the dentist I think the possible benefits of nitrous oxide with a follow-up of vicodin shouldn’t be overlooked 🙂 If they can eliminate the pain from a root canal, a spanking should be nothing!

    “No pain – no pain!”


  7. minellesbreath says:

    Gosh yes this is a great post Miss Ana! My first time??? Gosh if it is hubby then over 20 years ago. It was very gentle…and I wish I had allowed myself to enjoy that more.

    I like the playful spankings that reign me in because they are quick and to the point. We both laugh after….However those more intense ‘times’ I find difficult if it has been a while so a warm-up helps, If he takes the time…LOL. He knows what I need but…(Since I am always perfect and NEVER EVER STRESSED)

    I think that heavy paddles work better OVER CLOTHES….for me…for sure. There is something about allowing yourself to get through the pain and then it has it’s benefits. That line about rushing strikes a cord….

    I know that I am sometimes conflicted about fantasy and reality…..But experimentation is the best way to figure all that out!!


    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Absolutely…how can we find what we like if we don’t experiment? I also think heavy paddles and bathbrushes work for you just fine…no clothes needed. 🙂

      It’s that endorphin rush. If you never get past the point of pain, it never feels good.


  8. palomino7 says:

    Great article as always Ana. I do have a question, as I haven’t spanked many girls. My first time, “she” was across my lap…..panties only. I was new at it, but I knew to start soft, and ensure she was getting what she wanted. It ended up with her rubbing against my knees until she had an orgasm. Is this common, or a fluke? She was very satisfied, but I wasn’t sure how to ask her about it……kinda shy you know 😉


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