Today, I am joining forces with Spanking Romance Reviews to present my part of the roundtable discussion. Each month, anyone can sign up to present his or her views on a topic related to spanking. Next month, on January 17, I’ll host a roundtable discussion on fantasy versus reality. This month, the discussion topic is one many people here know, practice, or have begun practicing. We even have a brand-new DD-er amongst our Advent Calendar players, don’t we? 🙂
What domestic discipline?
A committed relationship in which one person guides, supports, and gives correction to another.
That’s it, folks. It’s really that simple.
You may find other descriptions elsewhere that emphasize corporal punishment, sexual intimacy, or gender roles (“A husband spanks his wife”), but these are all extraneous. Domestic discipline is a connection between two people. That connection means one person takes responsibility for guiding, supporting and correcting. The other person takes responsibility for submitting, learning, and growing.
—“Mentorship” with extra motivation
—“Spanky life coach”
—“Old-fashioned relationship in which one person takes charge and protects the other”
All of these descriptions can be true.
Do two people have to be married for the relationship to count as domestic discipline?
Does DD involve sexual intimacy?
It can, but it doesn’t have to.
Can DD only be practiced by a husband and wife, or a man and a woman?
Absolutely not. In fact, all of my books except Editorial Board contain DD (yes, even Becoming Clissine) and all but one feature F/F relationships. DD is a connection between two people, not two sets of genitals.
Do the two people have to live in the same home?
Does DD involve spanking?
Probably. Most likely, in fact. Does every interaction involve spanking? Not necessarily. Discipline within “domestic discipline” may include non-spanking actions such as setting limits or giving guidance.
How is DD different from BDSM?
Sue Lyndon posted this great article on the differences between BDSM and spanking/DD fiction, so I won’t try to repeat what she has said so well. But I will say that BDSM more often (but not always) happens with multiple partners, is negotiated carefully within boundaries of consent, and often (but not always) includes spanking, flogging, or other similar acts for the inherent pleasure of doing so, rather than correction. DD is more likely to be monogamous, intertwined with daily life, and focused on building a long-term relationship that will extend outside of the context of DD.
What does DD look like in practice?
Look around you, read blogs, talk to others who practice DD, and read some stories. Discipline and Desire as well as Bethany’s Woodshed are great sources of a variety of spanking stories. Much of what you read will be unrealistic, but not all.
But in ordinary life, DD also looks very ordinary. It may be a “clearing of the slate,” a spanking to deal with issues such as neglecting self care, needing help working through an emotionally difficult time, disrespecting mutual agreements, or violating boundaries.
Isn’t that childish?
Possibly. Some couples include sexual intimacy in the mix, but sex does not prove something is not childish. (Think ageplay, for example.)
What DD gives is a clear road map for how to handle conflict, how to address and prevent potential conflicts, and how to establish clear communication. One of my favorite books about DD is Kate Richard’s The Switch. She describes a couple who want to save their troubled marriage and turn to DD. Of course, they go overboard before learning how to deal with their situation realistically. The spankings and contracts drawn up may seem childish on the surface, but good communication is never childish.
Let me repeat that. Good communication is never childish.
Why would someone want to be in a DD relationship?
There are as many reasons as couples. Kat, the heroine (fictional, Michael!) of my Kat and Natalie series, grew up shy and lonely and young for her age. Spring, another heroine (a bratty writer), is a loose cannon and unable to control herself. She makes herself miserable in the process. Leila submits to her partner and best friend because they balance each other.
Why would I want to be in a DD relationship?
Because I want help becoming a better person.
That sounds neat, but painful! Why would anyone want to be spanked?
Ahem. You do realize this blog is about spanking, right? I understand if the recent post about Fred Rogers confused you. 😀
But in all seriousness, here is a beginner guide on how to try spanking that won’t hurt as much. You can adjust spanking in ways that will fit for you. If your partner is sensitive and easily hurt, sometimes a verbal reminder is all that’s necessary to correct behavior. If he or she is stubborn or refuses to listen, conversely you may need to both step away from the dynamic to figure out why it’s not working. Spanking is not a cure-all; nor is DD. Some couples come to DD after serious relationship difficulties. DD is a tool to improve communication, but only a tool. How well it works or doesn’t work depends on how hard you work.
That all sounds far too serious? Why can’t DD be fun?
Ask Susie of Her Mischief Managed whether DD can be fun. She has a story about Saturday sockings… 😉
Fun spankings, playful interactions, and humor can all be part of a DD relationship.
And just to show you that DD and fun can be synonymous, here’s a word from Maren Smith:
The irrepressible Maren Smith brings us these twelve tried-and-true ways to earn yourself a spanking. Word on the street is that Maren hasn’t been able to sit down for the past five years, so she would certainly know!
12 Fool-Proof Sayings to Get You Spanked (I know because…well, they worked for me. And remember, often the difference between getting spanked and getting divorced comes down to two little things: delivery and a smile.)
1.) “Yeah, I saw the Christmas budget, but then I thought, ‘Budget? We don’t need no stinkin’ budget.’”
2.) Who put you in charge, and was it because they ran all out of monkeys?
3.) Yeah, I heard you. I didn’t say anything because I thought it’d be more fun to ignore you.
4.) I’m getting kinda hungry too. Tell you what, man slave, here’s a map to the fridge. How about you go fix us something?
5.) Man slave doesn’t work for you, I see. Would you prefer “house bitch”?
6.) I know we’re supposed to consult one another before making big purchases, but…wanna see my new back tattoo?
7.) Lying is a skill like any other. If you want to maintain a level of excellence, you must practice constantly. (This is a Star Trek quote—Deep Space Nine, Garek, I am such a nerd. Unfortunately, my non-Trekkie hubby took it as a personal failing on my part, and one which required immediate correcting.)
8.) I don’t have to if I don’t want to.
9.) You’re not the boss of me!
10.) (Called his work) Hi, can you put Grumpy on the phone for me please?
11.) What would you do if I just said…oh, I don’t know…no?
12.) You call this a spanking? Pfft! Wake me up when you wanna get serious about it.
If you are an Advent Calendar player and have signed up here (Yes, you can still sign up now! It’s not too late!), please choose one or more of the following options:
- When did you first hear about DD? How would you define it?
- Have you read stories about or tried it in real life? If yes, how and was it successful? If no, why not?
- If you practice other types of spanking besides DD, how are they similar or different?