What is domestic discipline (DD)? (Advent Calendar, Day 13)

Today, I am joining forces with Spanking Romance Reviews to present my part of the roundtable discussion. Each month, anyone can sign up to present his or her views on a topic related to spanking. Next month, on January 17, I’ll host a roundtable discussion on fantasy versus reality. This month, the discussion topic is one many people here know, practice, or have begun practicing. We even have a brand-new DD-er amongst our Advent Calendar players, don’t we? 🙂

What domestic discipline?

A committed relationship in which one person guides, supports, and gives correction to another.

Yep.

That’s it, folks. It’s really that simple.

You may find other descriptions elsewhere that emphasize corporal punishment, sexual intimacy, or gender roles (“A husband spanks his wife”), but these are all extraneous. Domestic discipline is a connection between two people. That connection means one person takes responsibility for guiding, supporting and correcting. The other person takes responsibility for submitting, learning, and growing.

“Mentorship” with extra motivation

“Spanky life coach”

“Old-fashioned relationship in which one person takes charge and protects the other”

All of these descriptions can be true.

Do two people have to be married for the relationship to count as domestic discipline?

Nope.

Does DD involve sexual intimacy?

It can, but it doesn’t have to.

Can DD only be practiced by a husband and wife, or a man and a woman?

Absolutely not. In fact, all of my books except Editorial Board contain DD (yes, even Becoming Clissine) and all but one feature F/F relationships. DD is a connection between two people, not two sets of genitals.

Do the two people have to live in the same home?

Nope.

Does DD involve spanking?

Probably. Most likely, in fact. Does every interaction involve spanking? Not necessarily. Discipline within “domestic discipline” may include non-spanking actions such as setting limits or giving guidance.

How is DD different from BDSM?

Sue Lyndon posted this great article on the differences between BDSM and spanking/DD fiction, so I won’t try to repeat what she has said so well. But I will say that BDSM more often (but not always) happens with multiple partners, is negotiated carefully within boundaries of consent, and often (but not always) includes spanking, flogging, or other similar acts for the inherent pleasure of doing so, rather than correction. DD is more likely to be monogamous, intertwined with daily life, and focused on building a long-term relationship that will extend outside of the context of DD.

What does DD look like in practice?

Look around you, read blogs, talk to others who practice DD, and read some stories. Discipline and Desire as well as Bethany’s Woodshed are great sources of a variety of spanking stories. Much of what you read will be unrealistic, but not all.

But in ordinary life, DD also looks very ordinary. It may be a “clearing of the slate,” a spanking to deal with issues such as neglecting self care, needing help working through an emotionally difficult time, disrespecting mutual agreements, or violating boundaries.

Isn’t that childish?

Possibly. Some couples include sexual intimacy in the mix, but sex does not prove something is not childish. (Think ageplay, for example.)

What DD gives is a clear road map for how to handle conflict, how to address and prevent potential conflicts, and how to establish clear communication. One of my favorite books about DD is Kate Richard’s The Switch. She describes a couple who want to save their troubled marriage and turn to DD. Of course, they go overboard before learning how to deal with their situation realistically. The spankings and contracts drawn up may seem childish on the surface, but good communication is never childish.

Let me repeat that. Good communication is never childish.

Period.

Why would someone want to be in a DD relationship?

There are as many reasons as couples. Kat, the heroine (fictional, Michael!) of my Kat and Natalie series, grew up shy and lonely and young for her age. Spring, another heroine (a bratty writer), is a loose cannon and unable to control herself. She makes herself miserable in the process. Leila submits to her partner and best friend because they balance each other.

Why would I want to be in a DD relationship?

Because I want help becoming a better person.

That sounds neat, but painful! Why would anyone want to be spanked?

Ahem. You do realize this blog is about spanking, right? I understand if the recent post about Fred Rogers confused you. 😀

But in all seriousness, here is a beginner guide on how to try spanking that won’t hurt as much. You can adjust spanking in ways that will fit for you. If your partner is sensitive and easily hurt, sometimes a verbal reminder is all that’s necessary to correct behavior. If he or she is stubborn or refuses to listen, conversely you may need to both step away from the dynamic to figure out why it’s not working. Spanking is not a cure-all; nor is DD. Some couples come to DD after serious relationship difficulties. DD is a tool to improve communication, but only a tool. How well it works or doesn’t work depends on how hard you work.

That all sounds far too serious? Why can’t DD be fun?

Ask Susie of Her Mischief Managed whether DD can be fun. She has a story about Saturday sockings… 😉

Fun spankings, playful interactions, and humor can all be part of a DD relationship.

And just to show you that DD and fun can be synonymous, here’s a word from Maren Smith:

The irrepressible Maren Smith brings us these twelve tried-and-true ways to earn yourself a spanking. Word on the street is that Maren hasn’t been able to sit down for the past five years, so she would certainly know!

12 Fool-Proof Sayings to Get You Spanked (I know because…well, they worked for me. And remember, often the difference between getting spanked and getting divorced comes down to two little things: delivery and a smile.)

1.)   “Yeah, I saw the Christmas budget, but then I thought, ‘Budget? We don’t need no stinkin’ budget.’”

2.)   Who put you in charge, and was it because they ran all out of monkeys?

3.)   Yeah, I heard you. I didn’t say anything because I thought it’d be more fun to ignore you.

4.)   I’m getting kinda hungry too. Tell you what, man slave, here’s a map to the fridge. How about you go fix us something?

5.)   Man slave doesn’t work for you, I see. Would you prefer “house bitch”?

6.)   I know we’re supposed to consult one another before making big purchases, but…wanna see my new back tattoo?

7.)   Lying is a skill like any other. If you want to maintain a level of excellence, you must practice constantly. (This is a Star Trek quote—Deep Space Nine, Garek, I am such a nerd. Unfortunately, my non-Trekkie hubby took it as a personal failing on my part, and one which required immediate correcting.)

8.)   I don’t have to if I don’t want to.

9.)   You’re not the boss of me!

10.)         (Called his work) Hi, can you put Grumpy on the phone for me please?

11.)         What would you do if I just said…oh, I don’t know…no?

12.)         You call this a spanking? Pfft! Wake me up when you wanna get serious about it.

If you are an Advent Calendar player and have signed up here (Yes, you can still sign up now! It’s not too late!), please choose one or more of the following options:

  1. When did you first hear about DD? How would you define it?
  2. Have you read stories about or tried it in real life? If yes, how and was it successful? If no, why not?
  3. If you practice other types of spanking besides DD, how are they similar or different?
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186 thoughts on “What is domestic discipline (DD)? (Advent Calendar, Day 13)

  1. sassytwatter says:

    Wait wait no fair you reposted I thought that was way to easy.

    2. Read LOTs of stories.

    1. I heard of it First The term dd abour 2 tears ago. Although started Reading about it Way before tjat i just Don’t genever term attachéd to it.

    Great informationsional post when in better state look forward to re reading!

    Don’t you have a new book today miss Ana?

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      I do, Miss Sassy Twatter! 😀 Thank you for asking. Daughter of Discipline comes out on Blushing today.

      And yes, sorry about that. Post went through too soon! I have spanked wordpress soundly and told it not to enjoy so much.

      Like

  2. thelongbean says:

    To answer your questions
    1 I first came across the term DD about 5 years ago, however knew about the spanking as discipline methods many years ago.
    2 Yes, I have read stories and No I have not been part of a DD relationship. As I am single and live in a very tight knit community, there is little opportunity to try out DD.
    3 I have been part of a relationship involving the use of implements, and that was fun, especially those that were outside the standard flogger, paddle, strap or cane. For instance a flogger made from neoprene that was so gentle it never left a mark even when landing as hard as it could physically could. It made an awesome noise, but just felt hardly more than a fly landing on the skin.

    Like

      • thelongbean says:

        It was made especially for my former Domme (as well as wife) by a friend of hers.
        At a Play party once, I was secured so my chest was the target area. The echoes around the play space got everybody watching as she put all her effort into it. She got tired after a while and a couple of other Dommes tried to leave a mark without success.
        I believe it was made from the material that some wetsuits are made from:)

        Like

          • thelongbean says:

            Yes it was great. I have used it as a premise to some of my saga……
            She also had another flogger that was made from Silicone. It was heavy, very thuddy with a sting to follow. It was never used at full strength, but it was the one that would get me to subspace the quickest…..

            Like

              • thelongbean says:

                Rubbery, sort of; some give, a little… The sheet of silicone was about 5mm thick and each tail was 5mm wide. There were about 50 tails each about 50 cm long. It was a beast to handle, and if used too hard could easily break skin. But it was delicious on the receiving end. It got the endorphins going very quickly.

                Another favourite was a quirt where literally the forked tongue at the end was the only contact with the skin.

                Like

  3. Leah says:

    I like your definition.

    I’ve been reading spanking books for over a year but didn’t hear the term dd until several months ago.

    Big difference between dd spankings and others is that it hurts a lot more when you’re not aroused.

    I could add to the list of things to say – something about threatening to stick something up his ass didn’t go over well for me Sunday night.

    Like

  4. angel says:

    I know this is hard to believe but I can be a brat it’s ok I know you are shocked lol yes DD has helped when I was younger I was able to do what ever I wanted no one wanted to upset me because my temper so No wasn’t a word I heard ofton and If I got upset I got even My hubby has help me learn to think before I act wait and process before I speak and that kindness is necessary We have a great and awesome marriage With lots of love and only a few spankings lol hmmmm well maybe a little more then a few lol lol

    Like

    • angel says:

      Oh the fastest and hardest spanking I ever got was the one time I said “You just think you are in charge but You are only incharge of what I let you be in charge of ” For some reason my sweet loving hubby didn’t think that was cute Hmmm I am so misunderstood I don’t know how I get into so much trouble it just kind of finds me………

      Like

  5. Tara Finnegan says:

    Ana,
    This is a great post. It breaks down some of the bad press about DD beautifully, helping to overcome a common misconception that DD is only another name for a man bossing his wife about the place and whacking her backside if she doesn’t do what she’s told.

    DD is fundamentally about choice, two adults choose to enter into this type of relationship, and then they tweak it to suit their needs.
    By looking at it without the gender issue, and indeed it a situation where the parties are not at all sexually intimate, I think the choice aspect becomes clearer.

    DD is not for everyone, as not everyone want’s a relationship where one is more accountable and one more guiding, To be honest, I don’t think I could hack a full time DD relationship as my own nature is too controlling and I would get mad as hell if I was constantly being called to account unless I could hold the other half to account in the same way. But that said, I can certainly see advantages to being called to account in some ways and I’m all in favour as spanking as a motivator rather than a payback.

    I make no secret of being a spanko, but I confess, for me it’s much more for fun and pleasure. *shiver*

    Maren, your post cracked me up from one to twelve. I’ll be giggling all day. A twelve step awareness programme. No wonder you haven’t sat down for the last five years 🙂

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Well…DD as bad press usually is about M/F relationships because that’s how it’s presented. And if it is something limited only to M/F relationships and because there is a misconception that all men have an inherent right to spank all women, then nope. Not on board with that.

      Accountability sucks. It helps us grow, but it sucks. Sometimes we want it and sometimes we don’t. Both are okay. 🙂

      Like

  6. terpsichore says:

    I learned about DD when I first typed the word “spanking onto my computer about 6 years ago. I have been reading here in blogland ever since. Spanking, for me, is a part of my being. I have had this fascination since childhood long before I understood the feelings I was having. It was not until I discovered I was not alone that I shared this secret with my husband and he accepted me as me lovingly and happily spanked me, though it has taken him all this time to really emrace the idea. We move at a snail’s pace around here. I try to be patient. 🙂 I have thought about DD and fantasized about it, and still do, but the reality is that in our relationship it would not work for us. A very simplified reason is I am extremely sensitive and already self-correcting and my husband is not interested. We work as a team. He is however happy to play and that is just fine by me. I just need to be spanked…and often (in my dreams anyway) and I will take it any way I can get it. I would say the biggest similarity between DD and spanking for erotic play or even stress relief…is the importance of communication. I am sure there is much more I would share (being the wordy gal I am) but there are little footsteps lurking about the house… 🙂 Thanks for the post…

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      I like that you are taking it at a snail’s pace. Too fast too soon results in miscommunication and hurt feelings, and could mean someone getting really hurt. It’s hard not to sigh and think awww I wish it could be like such-and-such, but good for you for being realistic. 🙂

      Absolutely about communication.

      If you want to say more, feel free to come back later. 😀

      Like

  7. chickie says:

    I learned about DD about a year ago. All the other good stuff long prior.

    My first two relationships didn’t include spanking but were definitely of the DD type. I just didn’t see it for what it was. The third, with my husband, is complete opposite and he’s not willing/capable of steeping into that role. Just bringing up the subject was probably the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. And then that’s about where Sir came into the picture. Sir and I do have a DD-ish flair to this whole thing. Weird I guess, since we don’t live together and never will.

    DD can be so many different things for different people. It doesn’t have to be between two committed people living together. It doesn’t have to include disciplinary spankings. It doesn’t have to be anything. My first relationship was 100% driven by not wanting him to be disappointed with me. The second, well I admit I was a little afraid of her and that’s what did it, but still no spankings. With both of them, I got lectures, things taken away, and sent to bed lol. And now for me with Sir, I guess it’s more a kinky life coach??? No matter, I’m a better person because of it.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Not at all weird, when DD isn’t just about living together. I am glad you have that kind of relationship and that you have become a better person.

      Also, at the end of the day, no relationship or technique can change us unless we pour a ton of effort and energy into it. I hope you weren’t afraid of her in a bad way? But yes, we can hold each other accountable in good ways, for sure.

      Like

      • chickadee says:

        well “some” say it can’t be done this way… poo to that!

        I think the control over another person can go to the head. And that’s what happened there. It started out as just a healthy respect for her and in time she took advantage of that. Took a few years for me to see what a hateful person she’d become and how abusive it had gotten.

        And that’s probably why I ended up with doormat hubby now… just fell into the arms of polar opposite.

        Like

        • Anastasia Vitsky says:

          That’s a perfect attitude. Poo to the people who try to tell you DD has to be a certain way!

          I think we heal and learn from each person we encounter. Even if there is something negative, we often find parts of ourselves that need extra TLC. It sounds like that has happened for you.

          Also that you have a good idea of what Joanne is going through in her latest comment.

          Like

  8. Marybeth says:

    Ana,
    This is a day when I wish I had time. Unfortunately, my husband and I are travelling 4 hours each way today to get our daughter from college. so, to stay with my perfect attendance, I’ll make a quick post.

    I’ve thought about sppanking as long as I can remember. At first, it was inky sexual, but evrntually I discovered D/d books and was extremely intrigued. At this point, I was already married and our life was not conducive to this lifestyle. My husband was active duty military and gone a lot. So, I packed my desires away and just read about it now.

    I think I may bring the topic up again when the children are grown and out. I just can’t see this working with them around.

    I’ll check back in later when I’m home again. I’m sure it’ll be interesting! Especially Michael and Ana’s posts. Lol

    Like

    • Michael says:

      Marybeth, on your long drive I can just see you being bored and kicking your feet and sighing heavily “Are we there yet?” and your husband pulling the car over and administering a roadside spanking and you arriving at college squirming on an ouchy bottom. 😉

      Like

        • Michael says:

          One-track mind! Look who’s talking, little miss “Let’s put Michael in the corner for the entire Advent Calendar event. SHEESH!
          In my finest pop-eyed, collar pulling, Rodney Dangerfield impersonation, “No respect, I tell ya I get no respect.”

          Actually Ana, Season says the exact same thing about me having a one-track mind cause I often bring up spanking in our everyday conversations. Like when the local weather woman blows the forecast I say she should be spanked. That goes for the guy casters too.

          Like

      • Marybeth says:

        Nope, driving 2 cars. Bringing home everything as our daughter is doing a co-op (internship) next semester. Then, moving everything back in less than a month to the new apt that we haven’t gotten yet.

        Like

          • Michael says:

            Season sometimes gets grumpy and no surprise that the best way to relieve that is with a squirmy, fun spanking. You should try it, Marybeth. Seriously.

            Like

            • Marybeth says:

              Hi Michael. Home finally! I have read through the posts and some of the info from Ana’s post. I’m not sure that I really want a D/d relationship. After many years of being in charge, I’m not sure I could, or even want to, give up being in charge. There would have to be a lot of negotiation. Now, as to a fun spanking, I think that would be nice. Maybe on our cruise in January. 🙂

              Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      There are a lot of ways couples manage even with kids in the house. In fact, that’s a great topic for a later post. You can use quiet implements, non-spanking consequences, etc. And as much as I hate to give Mr. Naughty Michael any fodder for his naughtiness, he’s right that a good spanking can help wash out the grumpiness.

      Like

      • Michael says:

        “Luke, I am your fodder.” Didn’t know Darth Vader was from Jersey, did ya?

        No cheekiness from me, Ana, about spankings helping cure the grump. When Season is stressed from work I can relieve that stress with a nice warm spanking. Not a punishment one, almost like a good girl spanking but a little harder. Long, slow and sweet.

        You mention quiet implements? What exactly are those? Seriously, what are they? Season half jokes about being spanked with a feather or a pillow or a paddle wrapped in that Temur-Pedic foam used in mattresses. My little girl won’t find one of those paddles under the Christmas tree this year.

        Like

  9. susiehermischiefmanaged says:

    LOL Ana! He does ask me sometimes if I need a good socking but good heavens, why don’t men understand that the sock should NOT be the one off his foot! Sheesh. When there is anyone else in the house I am sure they think we have lost our minds with the chase around the bed and laughter. More seriously though, if DD was all business all the time, it wouldn’t be for us. Our goal is to grow more towards oneness–to enjoy each other like we never have before.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      LOL. Ew, Susie! Please tell MM for me that dirty socks belong in the laundry basket and not across your backside. Sheesh! But, hey, if it’s fun I guess putting up with a dirty sock is small potatoes.

      Have a great day!

      Like

  10. Michelle B says:

    When did you first hear about DD? How would you define it?
    – Couldn’t tell you, really – I don’t recall when the term came to my attention, but I’ve been aware of the “scenarios” since my adult life I guess…

    Have you read stories about or tried it in real life? If yes, how and was it successful? If no, why not?
    – I have most likely come across a few stories involving some form of DD over the years although none of them have stuck in my head as memorable! As for the rest of that question, wouldn’t you just loooove to know! ;P

    Although, I have recently seen a movie though which might be of interest to participants here – if you haven’t already seen it (in fact, it’s probably part of the necessary training process!)
    It was released in 2002 and stars James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal – the title is “Secretary”. Now, I’ve not a huge fan of Maggie but this is probably one of her better performances! And as a teenager, I never cared for Spader (he always seemed to play the spoiled rich kid, didn’t he?) But his adult roles have been much better suited to his personality I think; Stargate, Secretary, and his current hit, The Blacklist, are all worth watching!)

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      I still have not seen that movie. Maybe I should rent it this weekend. Though I do remember some controversy when it first came out, that it gave the image people wanted to be spanked because of emotional problems.

      You’ve read at least one story about it–The Way Home. 🙂

      Michelle needs a spanking. End of story.

      Like

      • Michelle B says:

        From what I recall about the movie, it wasn’t as BDSM as the description implies but it was very suggestive… I don’t even recall if there was actual spanking on screen… :s There *was* a lot of awkward positions to hold whilst doing secretarial tasks though… certainly worth a watch if you like (and I have to assume everyone here does!) that kind of movie! 😉

        haha yes you are right – I DID read at least one! 😉

        I get my spankings in the privacy of my own home thank you very much hahahaha 😛

        Like

  11. Michael says:

    Marvelous post, Ana. I especially love your definition of DD.

    1. I first heard the formal name – Domestic Discipline – when I started exploring spanking online, but I had known about such relationships through real life and stories for years before.
    I would define Domestic Discipline as a nurturing relationship which fosters growth between the two people both individually and as a couple.

    2. Yes, I have read stories about DD, and Season and I are in a Domestic Discipline relationship which satisfies, nurtures and is the happiest we have ever been.

    3. Season and I do practice different types of spankings. There are punishment & discipline spankings, sexy & erotic spankings, “just because” spankings which boils down to just because Season has a butt and I have a hand.

    We have a page on Blossom and Thorn titled “Spanking Types” which describes some of the spankings in which we have indulged.

    http://seasonandmichael.wordpress.com/spanking-types/

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      That’s a great definition. I do think there are cases when DD occurs within a friendship and not just within a couple, but you could say “couple” for friends and it still works. Growth is key. I didn’t have room in my definition, but growth absolutely occurs for the dominant partner, too.

      LOL…hey, admit what you do and be comfortable with it.

      Like

  12. Joelle Casteel says:

    Okay, does it get me a spanking for answering all 3, Ana 🙂 ? First, I do love Maren’s comments. Interesting, Ana, when you talked about the difference between BDSM and DD, I was again reminded of how, for me, what I live as BDSM is much closer to DD. My Master and I never wrote out a contract, never negotiated in fine detail about our relationship. And the biggest difference I see- in the end, things like spankings, floggings etc are more about keeping me balanced (with my mental health issues) and keeping the household running right.

    1) But having talked about it recently and then having re-read Sue’s “Dark Without You,” I found that indeed it was that book that introduced the concept of DD to me.
    2) I’ve read widely now across the genre. I recently finished Celeste Jone’s story for “Coming to Terms.” The notion of the HoH taking on a TiH partner’s internet addiction was wonderful. While I don’t have a set time I can be on the internet, I’ve certainly thought of Celeste’s story recently when I was inclined to get up on the computer rather than cuddle with my Master.
    3) I’ve actually thought about spankings quite a bit, in reference to type. If you remember the hilarious stories about when I asked my Master for maintenance spankings? And I gave Him links to all sorts of DD sites? And of course, His first question was- how is this any different from what you live with? I guess I wander somewhere in-between much of what is shown as embarrassing in DD fiction just isn’t to me and that fact that the specific act of spanking tends to be something my Master uses for more often outside of sexual interactions as an attitude correction for me.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Labels only help to the point of understanding, and beyond that they have no purpose. Each person has a different way of understanding relationships and definitions, and no one else can superimpose that. With the exception of danger (such as hiding abuse under the definition of DD), there’s no reason why someone else can’t do something and call it what they want. We use labels to give words to what we feel and know and experience, that’s all.

      An apple doesn’t taste better because we call it an apple; calling something an apple helps us to understand and classify what we have.

      Like

  13. Kelsey Summer says:

    Great post. There are many, many blogs out there for people to read more about Domestic Discipline. All you have to do is Google it and many come up. Many of them are written by people right here.

    1. When did you first hear about DD? How would you define it?
    I think I first heard the term about two years ago. I like Clint and Chelsea’s definition as follows:
    “Domestic discipline is the practice between two consenting life partners in which the head of the household (HoH) takes the necessary measures to achieve a healthy relationship dynamic; the necessary measures to create a healthy home environment; and the necessary measures to protect all members of the family from dangerous or detrimental outcomes by punishing the contributing, and thus unwanted, behaviors for the greater good of the entire family. In addition to punishing the unwanted behaviors, the head of the
    household is responsible for reinforcing positive behaviors for the greater good of the entire family. The head of the household is ALWAYS to conduct themselves in a very safe, loving, healthy, controlled, and composed manner.”

    2. Have you read stories about or tried it in real life? If yes, how and was it successful? If no, why not?
    I’ve read many stories about DD over the past few years (fictional and true). My husband and I are now exploring DD. It’s taken a long time to get him on board, but we’re almost there. We haven’t yet begun practicing, but probably will soon. We’re now in the process of negotiating everything.

    3. If you practice other types of spanking besides DD, how are they similar or different?
    I can’t yet answer this. I have been spanked in play, but not yet as a consequence. We’ll see what happens.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Absolutely. We have a wealth of information about DD right here in blogland and right here amongst our players.

      I have been delighted to see that Clint and Chelsea have expanded their definition of DD to include couples of all pairings, and I’ve been truly delighted that they sponsor this event. That kind of community support is wonderful.

      I hope you will take it slowly. Good for you for negotiating. It can be hard to wait, but it can be worth it in such a wonderful way.

      Like

  14. Michael says:

    Also, I LOVED Maren’s cheeky 12 ways to earn a spanking. I can definitely believe she hasn’t been able to sit for the past five years. Maren, you should set this list to music as it is much better and more practical than the 12 Days of Christmas song.

    Like

  15. Ria says:

    I just searched my archives and the first DD book I found was Harlot Bride from 2010. Of course, being insanely curious :-0 , I promptly began looking at other website and searching for DD novels and videos on Google.

    I like Ana’s explanation of DD – plain and simple.

    Since then, I have read so many books :-), I cannot count. The majority of books are from Blushing Books Pub (though many are purchased through Amazon to read on my Kindle). However, I have never tried it in real life. I think I am too strong-willed i.e. stubborn :-0. I would always be wearing stripes or find myself in a corner. But I thoroughly enjoy reading about it.

    Like

  16. Leigh Smith (aka Sunny Girl) says:

    Believe it or not, I first heard the term DD in an Ann Landers post. I don’t think I need to define it, I think you have done a fine job. I love the comment “between people, not genitals”

    I don’t think I have ever read a story about DD, so I can’t comment on the rest. (isn’t lying usually on the list of no no’s and always gets one spanked?)

    We only practice other types of spanking. For us, DD means don’t do.

    Like

  17. Johnna Maquire says:

    I love your very inclusive definition. I fall into one of your non-traditional categories as I’m not married to my guy and not living with him yet, but I still consider us in a DD relationship. One of the only friends I “came out” to at work asked me all kinds of questions because he wanted to know how he could introduce the topic to his male partner. I’m not a member of your contest, but I’m in your blog hop and thought I’d say hi.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      One of our regular visitors here, Cat, had a DD relationship with her fiance. She’ll tell you more about it herself.

      I love your response and that your friend asked for help in how to talk with his partner. I hope he did and that it worked out well.

      It’s not too late to join, if you want! Just sign up. 🙂

      Like

  18. Merna says:

    1. When did you first hear about DD? How would you define it?
    Several years ago I got up the nerve to type “spanking” in a search engine on the computer and opened up a whole new world… Somewhere along this journey I read about DD. Your definition sounds just right.

    2. Have you read stories about or tried it in real life? If yes, how and was it successful? If no, why not?
    I have read lots of stories, but not tried it in real life, although I have managed to convince him that yes, I really to want to be spanked, and he is getting better at that, so you never know. Maybe in the future.

    3. If you practice other types of spanking besides DD, how are they similar or different?
    Husband has recently picked up the pace a bit in our spanking play. Mostly I had to be very careful about how I approached him, because he really wasn’t comfortable with it, and only did it to please me. If he thought he was hurting me he would stop before I was ready. There was no correction intent involved, just sensation. I don’t think he gets that I would like a bit of correction. In his view, I’m a responsible adult so why would he need to correct me?

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Oh, how many of us typed spanking into a search engine! That brings back memories. Ah.

      Sometimes a nice bridge is to explain that a few swats will *ahem* get you in the mood. *ahem* And then show him. *blush*

      I think a lot of partners have a similar reaction. Sexy fun is great; discipline, what the heck? Baby steps. 🙂

      Like

  19. Holla Dean says:

    Good post, Ana. There is so much information on the internet about it. And like everything else, some is good and some is bad.
    1.When did you first hear about DD? How would you define it?
    I first heard about the term DD about two or three years ago. I came across it quite accidently in a book I read. The description said the man threatened to put the sassy girl over his knee, but not that it was actually going to happen.
    2.Have you read stories about or tried it in real life? If yes, how and was it successful? If no, why not?
    I’ve read tons, yes tons, of stories about DD. In fact, as many of you know, I write spanky stories. My husband and I have a little different version of DD. Some might call it DD Lite, others might say it’s not DD at all. Neither one of us is actually in charge or leading the other. We both have our strong points and our decisions usually go with whatever the person with the most experience or knowledge of the subject decides. We both have a little bit of a controlling personality, but in different ways and we seem to balance out one another. Next week will be our 39th anniversary. We rarely fight, and when we do, it’s about stupid and silly stuff usually brought on by both of us being overworked and stressed out. But I do get spanked, for fun/play and for eroticism. My husband would never spank me for punishment though we tease about it a lot. To him, adults don’t get punished in a relationship. Everyone makes mistakes; just suck it up, admit you screwed up, and do your best to fix it. I have fantasized about punishment spankings, but I’m pretty sure it would never happen. I’m not submissive. I’m just a very good girl. 🙂
    3.If you practice other types of spanking besides DD, how are they similar or different?
    I guess I sort of answered this one above in question 2. Spankings around here are for fun and eroticism. A punishment spanking to me would be completely different. They’re definitely not for fun or sex. That right there, to me, means they would hurt more, though I can see how they could/would lead to fun and sex.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      So much misinformation, sadly, especially the kind that says “you must do X or else you are wrong.” There are all kinds of flavors for all types of people.

      39 years! Wow, what an achievement.

      Punishment spankings are great for fantasy, but in reality they suck. However, I hope you will get to “enjoy” one sometime. Then you might be happy to never have one again. Hehe.

      Like

  20. angieia says:

    Enjoyed the post and Maren’s reasons for getting spanked!
    1. I learned about DD when I started reading different stories about it in the last year. I thought it was like BDSM with a dominant and a submissive. I am learning the difference.
    2. No I have not tried DD. I’m not sure my husband would be into a DD relationship. He likes to spank for fun. My husband likes to go and do his own thing and I am left home to read or do whatever I want, so I’m not sure it would work for us.
    3. We just spank for fun. My husband even enjoys being spanked. Yea, don’t think a DD relationship would work for us.

    Thanks for all of the great information I have been getting!!

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Maren never needs a reason to get spanked. LOL!

      There are a lot of similarities. Some DD-ers are BDSMish, and some BDSM-ers are DD-ish.

      There’s something called a Spencer Plan where both members of a couple hold each other accountable. Also there are couples who switch, like Ludwig and Kaelah over at Ludwig’s Rohrstock-Palast. Not to mention Rogue, now gone from blogland, who spanked her husband when he failed to be consistent with her. DD can be whatever you want it to be. 🙂 But just for fun is great, too.

      Like

  21. JC says:

    How did I hear about DD? Accidentally, I was looking up illustrations about discipline for a Pastor, he was looking for illustrations regarding parents and children. Needless to say I was quite shocked at some of the results I received when I googled discipline and spanking! It definitely caught my attention. That was at least 3 years ago. I think everyone’s definitions have sounded right. In the last 3 years I have read tons of books of this kind. I have never been in a DD relationship but can see the benefits it has. One day I hope to be in a relationship where the man is in charge and takes the responsibility serious.I like the idea of the security that these relationships have.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      LOL! That is the best I have heard so far. I googled spanking a long, long time ago. Actually, I’m not positive it was even google then. But anyway, I was rather surprised.

      Sometimes the relationships are a lot of heartache and angst, and people have to realize it didn’t work out. But sometimes it can be wonderful. I hope, if that’s what you want, that you will be able to have that.

      Like

  22. Terry says:

    This is going to be a short post because I have Grandma duty today.

    1. I have had an interest in all things spanky for quite a while. When my skills at navigating through the internet became better, I read up on all types of relationships and DD was one of them. I think my answer is that I have been aware of DD for a few years. I don’t have a definition of my own so I think yours is a good one.

    2. I have read many many books and articles about spanking from romance type to DD to BDSM from historical to futuristic and real life. I enjoy the fantasy of the everything but other than getting spanked as a child a few times from my parents and the occasional love swat, I have never been really spanked. I am in a vanilla relationship now with my husband. Mostly I am very conscientious person (the one exception is I hate housekeeping and tend to let some things like mail and papers pile up before they are filed away). I think if I was in a real life DD type relationship I could submit to correction from my husband but only if he would submit to me if he screwed up. I have a fairly dominate personality but my husband is a major dominate so him accepting a DD type arrangement from my end would never happen. Mostly we work with the idea that who ever is most knowledgable about a subject should make the final decisions about it. I agree with Holla Dean’s comment about if you make a mistake, admit it, say your sorry, fix it and try not to do it again. I almost heard my husband’s voice in my ear as I read that part of her post.

    3. This question was mostly answered in question 2. I may (or may not) get up the courage to try fun spanking but I always have my wicked imagination to fall back on.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Grandma duty sounds wonderful! Aw.

      Sometimes we create a definition when we need one, and then otherwise we don’t. It’s all good.

      Like I said above, there are couples who submit to each other. Google Spencer Plan and you will see. I think allowing the more knowledgeable person to have final say is a great idea.

      Like

      • Terry says:

        Ana
        Grandma duty is wonderful. I am a step-grandma so this is a new learning thing for me but this kind of learning is fun!!!

        I have read about the Spencer Plan and I do like the idea of 2 people in a relationship being responsible to each other but I still doubt that my husband would be interested. I am very happy in my marriage so if nothing comes of my interests then I’m content with that. It sounds like many people on your blog have found relationships that work for them and that is a good thing.

        Like

  23. Emily Tilton says:

    DD without that name specifically has been at the center of my fantasy-life as long as I can remember; even my early princess fantasies featured some kind of disciplinary relationship. I think your definition nails it, though I think you’re actually defining the practice rather than the term; the “domestic” in “domestic discipline” does seem to convey something of the flavor with which it began in “Christian Domestic Discipline,” which I have a feeling actually precede “Domestic Discipline” itself as a common term in communities of practice.

    To put it another way, I wish we had another term. The fact that the best term, IMO, that we’ve come up with, is “That Thing We Do” seems to indicate that terminology is hard to come by in this cultural field, and because terminology is nowhere near as important as practices and the accurate description of practices, I’m not going to try to come up with anything.

    Oh, OK. I wish we called it “Consensual Discipline.”

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      What we understand now as domestic discipline is indeed a remnant of an older situation in which people did not have choice. I like your emphasis on consensual *but* I think on a case by case basis that nonconsensual can be wonderful in its own way. Can. Not always. By nonconsensual I mean a situation in which the dominant partner is steeped in love, care, concern, and responsibility for the person being led. Think of a teacher-student relationship, for example, where a teacher puts the student’s needs first. It’s “consensual” sort of in that the student knows he or she has to do what the teacher says, but it’s also nonconsensual because the student has the choice to submit or leave.

      Of course abuses happen and not all teachers do it right, but for me it’s about an unshakeable sense of responsibility and care.

      Like

  24. P.T. Wyant says:

    I’m going to say that I much prefer Emily Tilton’s term of “Consensual Discipline.”

    I know it’s a matter of denotation versus connotation, but “Domestic Discipline” brings to (my) mind images of abuse rather than consensual kink.

    Now, I’m all for consensual kink and may very well break down and write some FemDomme stuff one of these days (like I NEED another writing project!) but maybe it’s just been too many real-life horror stories of abusive relationships (I volunteered at a domestic violence shelter) but the name leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

    And also from just the way I was raised it has bad connotations for me. For some odd reason it brings up thoughts of my mother who tried to force me into the mold of what she thought her daughter should be. (She failed. No one else has a prayer.) My mother thought we had a great relationship when I was growing up. We did — from her perspective. She said “Jump” and I said “How high?” while on the way up.

    Anyhow… Domestic Discipline also calls to mind thoughts of the book “To Train Up A Child” and… *shudder*

    Anyhow, I haven’t read DD other than excerpts from blogs. I realize that reading the Sunday Snippets (for instance) there is a limit to the number of lines that can be posted, but anything that hints at being non-consensual is an instant turn-off for me.

    I also don’t practice it (by either name). If I was in a relationship in which the other person asked me to be the disciplinarian I would probably consider it. (I’ve been told I’d make a great Domme. I can be a bit of a hard-ass, though.)

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      I think what we understand in abstract can be different in practice.
      Absolutely, some people use pretty words to hide abuse. But that happens no matter what words are used. Someone can say pineapple or snake and still hit without consent or care for the person. Doesn’t matter what you call it; it’s still wrong. Very, deadly wrong.

      I also think, although I’m going out on a limb here, that sometimes abuse happens *because* of this lack of clarity. It’s not abuse if she made me mad. It’s not rape if she wore a short skirt. It’s not hitting if she swore at me. It was just a game. It was all in fun. She takes things too seriously and really needs to lighten up. She didn’t understand.

      That, to me, is the worst part of abuse. The insidious nature “it’s not abuse because” of whatever, that’s wrong. Abuse happens because the abuser convinces the abused that it’s all a misunderstanding, that it’s just a one-time thing, that it’s really the abused’s fault, that there are explanations or excuses or reasons.

      Bottom line: if someone does not feel safe, then things need to change.

      Good lord, that book is the center of a controversy surrounding the death of children. At least look, it’s been pulled off Amazon in at least one country.

      And yet…look at how you like Kat and Natalie. So I think there are many layers to this.

      I love how you make me think about these issues.

      Like

  25. Thianna D says:

    *takes notes. Puts gold stars next to Maren’s wonderful suggestions* Definitely will have to use those.

    *cough* Oh wait. Is this thing on? *smiles beatifically*

    I won’t say too much as I said it all on my blog today, but I came to DD through the BDSM route. I must disagree that spanking is more used for inherent pleasure within BDSM rather than discipline. While it is and can be pleasurable – in a committed D/s or M/s relationship, I can assure you spanking is a major discipline choice. And there is a HUGE separation between an erotic spanking and a disciplinary spanking, some of it physical, most of it emotional.

    I WANT to disagree that BDSM happens more often with multiple partners, but the truth of it is? For most in the lifestyle it does ‘seem’ to be that way. Finding a monogamous D has turned out to be quite the needle in the haystack search for me. Oh, and yeah, I’m still searching 😉

    For me, loving discipline has what I need to be happy. It’s that simple, that direct. I’m wired to need someone else to make the big decisions. I’m wired to need someone else’s help when my energy gets crazy. And that’s just simply okay.

    Now, about those suggestions…

    Like

  26. Kitty says:

    ohh maren’s wonderful list. i really liked #4.

    1 When did you first hear about DD? i first heard the term about 2 years ago, though thru reading ect..it’s been in my thoughts since i was about 14 years old it just wasn’t labeled.
    How would you define it? loving care i’d like to think.
    2 Have you read stories about or tried it in real life? yes to reading no to real life. If yes, how and was it successful? If no, why not? have not found anyone i love yet.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Maren’s crazy list! When she sent it to me, I laughed and said, “PLEASE don’t tell me you’ve actually done these.” She disappointed me. 😀

      Loving care is a great definition.

      I hope you will find someone special to love and who will give you loving care.

      Like

  27. Patricia Green says:

    You are so right about communication being key. Without that, there’s nothing. I think that is true for all sorts of relationships, DD or otherwise. And, although I relate best to M/f DD, I know that there are DD relationships that don’t have a thing to do with M/f dynamics, and more power to them. I’ve even written a few things along that vein. 🙂 Great article, Ana.

    Like

  28. Irishey says:

    Good round table discussion, Ana. Is Mrs. Claus going to participate in this post? I think all of us would love to have her input.

    Sheesh, Maren! Five years standing? Wow. Just…wow! 😉

    Q&A:

    1. When did you first hear about DD?

    Not sure, exactly. I think I first became aware of the term itself many years ago, as in – it has a name. I was aware of it in a loosely general way long before that, but I don’t recall when I first learned about it with any specificity.

    1.a. How would you define it?

    I think it defies a single, simple comprehensive definition because of the many ways it is practiced. It lends itself well to a variety of descriptions. Ana, your definition is very good start. I extracted that and a few more clarifying sentences, but I think it may take more than a definition to define it. (Lol!)

    “A committed relationship in which one person guides, supports, and gives correction to another. Domestic discipline is a connection between two people. That connection means one person takes responsibility for guiding, supporting and correcting. The other person takes responsibility for submitting, learning, and growing…. What DD gives is a clear road map for how to handle conflict, how to address and prevent potential conflicts, and how to establish clear communication.” 

    2. Have you read stories about or tried it in real life? If yes, how and was it successful? If no, why not?

    I’ve read stories about it. I don’t know how to describe our real life aspect – kinda, sorta, somewhat, maybe in a way. It’s a successful work in progress. It doesn’t always work in the same way it works or doesn’t work for others. Gah. This is one reason why my blog lies dormant.

    3. If you practice other types of spanking besides DD, how are they similar or different?

    They aren’t “spankings,” as such, as in a series of multiple swats. They are one or two, perhaps a few, randomly delivered spanks/smacks from D’s hand to my nether region during our intimate dance, the effects of which linger for a day or two.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Irishey, with your comment on the latest prize announcement I’m surprised *you* can still sit down. LOL.

      I’d really really really rather if we just let Mrs. Claus stay out of this one, thanks. No need to get her involved. Truly.

      You’re right. Any definition is only a starting point, and each person has to adapt it to individual circumstances. I like the sentences you put together.

      Your life is what it is, and there’s a lot going on. That’s true for anyone. DD is one aspect but only one aspect. Plenty of other things are more important, like graduations and births and jobs and illnesses. I respect you for putting things in perspective.

      Though I suspect a naughty Irishey could probably use more than a swat or two. 😀

      Like

      • Irishey says:

        What?! What was wrong with my comment in the last prize post? I cleared up a misunderstanding, then shared with everyone how it happened the troops were summoned to rescue you from being gobbled up by Chickie’s wicked turkey. Cat was awesome, swooping in to save you from the gobbler’s wicked beak!

        I shall have to clear up the rest of this misunderstanding later. My daughter takes the stage in a few minutes, as two small characters in the cast of The Taming of the Shrew. 🙂

        Like

        • Irishey says:

          Goodness. Shakespeare in caricature. Spoofing The Shrew. Who’d a-thunk? I forgot what a Jr High/Sr High play in a small school… It got better as the evening progressed.

          Aawww, I love you, too, Ana. You already know I don’t tattle. Ever. Snitches are witches who get switches applied to their britches. Pfft.

          I’m going to let go all the rest of the accumulated, unwarranted threats to my posterior and nose – clear the slate, if you will – on condition that you correct Michael’s misstatement: Mrs. Claus’ name is NOT Desiree!

          (You are correct in describing him as a cheeky lad.)

          Like

          • Anastasia Vitsky says:

            Giggle. I’m glad it got better.

            Tattlers should all get the wooden spoon, at the very least. *glares at some naughty tattling elves*

            Okay. You got it. Michael, Mrs. Claus is really Kristine Claus. But I assumed she gave you a false name because the *really* naughty boys need a decoy. 😀

            Like

            • Irishey says:

              Psst! Ana!

              Sshhh!!! Whisssper! Everybody’s sleeping!

              Do you think he’ll stop with the Desiree thing? It’s such a beautiful name, but we cannot allow people to know one of Santa’s secret “chamber names” for his missus! How do you suppose Michael learned of it?!

              Omigosh. You don’t think…

              The eggnog? Could it be? Again?

              She got into the eggnog… and it makes her CHATTER about everything!

              Omigosh.

              VIXEN!!!

              Like

  29. JoanneBest says:

    Oh boy am I ever out of my league! 😉
    But I’m a very quick learner, especially when it’s something I’m really interested in 😀 {realizes there’s no way to hide my newbie status amongst those in the know, shrugs my shoulders and dives right in anyway}
    First of all, thank you for such a great post Ana, so much information that I need, umm, want, to know as I out myself as the newest newbie that ever umm, newbed ? 😀
    And Maren, thanks for the tips, I have a feeling that if I’m ever lucky enough to get that much needed, uh, wanted spanking I’ve been waiting for ever since I read the Sleeping Beauty books by Anne Rice under her other name which eludes me at the moment.
    A few years ago I tried to get the hubby interested in this very thing; I even printed out a bunch of information for him to read thinking he’d be all for it, but silly me didn’t realize that his porn addiction wouldn’t translate into what I wanted, so the subject was dropped and his porn addiction just continues to grow to the point where it’s having an effect on our sex life in a negative way… and I’m a very sexual person but from his point of view, I’m a prude; don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against watching porn but not when it’s at the point where he drinks a big bottle of rum, gets sloppy drunk and insists (read: forces) me using emotional blackmail, insisting I not only watch but I ‘have’ to enjoy it…sorry to go on about that, something about this magical place makes me feel safe to say anything (thank you so much for that feeling).
    So this puts me in a position where I have to swallow what I want or go elsewhere (did I mention there’s been forced threesomes and such over the years?), it’s a very complicated situation and not something I can really talk to anyone about- except my therapist, the last threesome was forced on me by the hubby and my “best friend” and all the no’s I said, all the tears I cried at what I felt was betrayal were met with laughter, making fun of me for not wanting to do it- that was what finally pushed me into therapy.
    So know that I’ve brought everyone down with my reality, lets get back to the real subject.
    This:
    ” Leila submits to her partner and best friend because they balance each other.
    Why would I want to be in a DD relationship?
    Because I want help becoming a better person.”

    So as I mentioned, I have a friend and confidante, my road not taken, my friend with benefits pretty much without all the benefits, and he is my safe place, he has been able to do more for me mentally than my therapist did when I admitted to him what had happened. He makes me a better person and while we haven’t been intimate physically as much as we both wish for it, we do have a very strong connection and there is no topic that is off-limits between us, and we’ve talked about my desire for this very subject, and lo and behold, he has the exact same interest as I do. From what I’ve been reading, aside from physically following through, it seems to me that we are in a DD relationship of a sort; in fact just this morning I read some of your post to him over the phone and he agreed with me. We both want to follow through, we talked about what I’d like, to describe to him my fantasy and he wants nothing more than to make me happy, but like I said, it’s complicated and I don’t want to come off sounding like a bad person for even thinking about going elsewhere.

    It’s only recently that I’ve begun to read books on spanking (thanks to some special elves around here ;-D) and it’s exactly what I need want desire wish-for hope-for need need need!
    So what’s a girl to do when she’s married to a porn-addicted alcoholic? It’s weird because he’s a control freak, and I’m a people pleaser, but he has no desire to do what turns me on and I’ve come to dread weekends because I know it’s coming and not a spanking, but a forced porn-watch.

    I’m not sure if I answered the questions the right way but again, {raises hand} newbie 😀
    I’m looking forward to reading more and more about the subject, and hopefully I will be able to have my own desires fulfilled one of these days. And believe me, you’ll be the first to know about it 😉

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      First of all, you’re hardly the newest newbie. Second, even if you were, being a newbie means that people (at least the people I am willing to associate with) will be *extra* caring and considerate of you, not less. We were all brand-new at one time, and some of us have never had an adult spanking. So what? We still belong here. Some of us have partners who might give us an occasional swat or two, and we manufacture a fantasy in our head of what it might be like if he or she really did set up a DD relationship for us. Some of us would never want spanking in real life but devour every spanking book available. Fantasy is a valid and worthwhile endeavor, and nothing to sneeze at.

      That said, I’m trying to find appropriate words in response to your husband forcing you into acts that violate your boundaries. I hope you read my response to PT Wyant, written above. I hope also that your therapist and friend have helped you to hold onto your self-respect and dignity, and to find the courage to stay strong. Do not let others define you. You are who *you* know you are, not how someone else tries to put you in a box.

      As for me, forced threesomes and being forced to watch porn would constitute rape and abuse. I am sorry to use such harsh words, and I know real life reality is more complicated than simple definitions. Maybe there is a lot else going on why you are committed to this man, and maybe there are other reasons you love him and want to stay with him. For me, though, my heart breaks at the thought of you being forced into something that denigrates who you are. Threesomes and porn are fine for people who want them; they are horror for those who do not.

      It’s all about what we’re saying today, consent.

      I hope that your friend is able to support you, listen to you, and give you the strength that you need. I ask you, for my sake, to just *think* about what it might be like to live a life where love meant loving, not coercion. There are many people here who would join you in support.

      I’m sending you a private email as well, so please check for it. 🙂

      Hugs. We are so glad to have you here.

      Like

      • JoanneBest says:

        Ana, you know those tears you get when you feel overwhelmed with a feeling of relief because someone understands what you’ve been hiding behind the almost constant smile, when somebody gets it and you don’t have to pretend? That. That’s what your words did for me.
        Because I agree completely, rape and abuse. That’s what it boils down to and no matter how many times I’ve tried to talk to him, to get him to look through my eyes and see what he’s doing to me, he won’t/can’t understand… not trying to defend him, but as I tell myself, he’s not a bad man, just a bad man for me… I finally understand the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone and it’s sad that he refuses to take it seriously but I know the final outcome won’t be pretty. But I promised my Mom I’d be happy and do whatever I had to do to make that happen. She didn’t know about the sex parts but, as much as she loved him, she agreed, heck, she saw the passive aggressive behavior and called it what it was, abuse.
        I am working on myself, getting stronger, and getting a lot of encouragement and support from my friend… it might sound weird but it’s a good thing I never had children, and I’m not in a place I can live with much longer, if that makes sense… this is part of me finding me; you, all the wonderful people here, and especially writing.
        Writing is the first thing I’ve ever had that was ‘mine’, and while I wrote some before, it wasn’t until Mom passed that I decided I was going to honor her by being me, being strong, and being happy. That’s when I started to write here at WP, I had made an account the year before but never wrote one thing here till Mom passed.
        And I’m determined to keep writing, and it’s going to be the out I need, the strength to be me, I decided I wouldn’t censure myself, just be me, true to myself and when I reach that point, I will do what I have to do to be happy. If hubby wants to be a part of that, he’ll have a lot of things to do to make a lot of things right. When I set my mind to do something and give it my all, I can grow wings and fly, with the help of such wonderful people I’m now Blessed enough to have in my life, I will get that gold ring and hang on tight, we all deserve to be happy.
        As they say, things happen for a reason, things happen when they are meant to happen, I’m starting to itch somewhere around my shoulders, I think those wings are going to be popping out soon 🙂

        Have I told you lately that I love you? Every damn one of you! {wonders if that’ll be a deal breaker, corner, here I come :-D}

        Like

    • chickadee says:

      Hugs Joanne! That broke my heart and I think Ana’s got you covered in her email and I’m supposed to be working here anyway… but big hugs and I hope you’re getting the support you need.

      And I’m a newbie and Kaylee’s Keeper is a great book! Just finished reading it the second time!

      Like

      • JoanneBest says:

        Yay, a fellow newbie!!!! I didn’t want to bring anyone down, but when I’m here I can’t help it, I just feel so comfortable here I just spill 😀
        Hug gratefully received and returned, I’m getting a lot more support since I came here than ever before!

        And Kaylee’s Keeper is going to be in my greedy little hands asap, thanks for the rec and bigger thanks for everything you said chickadee (love that name!!!!!) many hugs sent your way! xox

        Like

        • Tracey Gramiak Horton says:

          I cried reading your comments. NO ONE ever, EVER, should make another human being feel inferior or be forced to do something sexually. You are a beautiful person and it comes through in your posts. As time goes on, with help from your therapists and friends, you will be able to stand up and kick anyone who tries to force you to do anything you don’t want to square in the nuts and HARD!! You have the support of everyone here. Hugs!

          Like

          • JoanneBest says:

            Tracey thank you so much, and I’m sorry I made you cry, but I want you to know that you guys/gals are giving me the best gift I could ever hope for, and that is your support and understanding…it feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I’ve been carrying this around with me for far too many years, it’s almost as if in writing the awful down here it’s helped to lessen the pain of what I consider betrayal.
            My friend and confidante told me to try this; he suggested I write down every single detail of what happened, every ugly feeling I felt, just every single thing I remembered from that night, those nights, you get the idea, anyway he said I should write it all down, get it all out and either send it to him and he wouldn’t even read it ,just delete it, or just write it on paper and just rip it up and throw it away; he said by doing that I was getting rid of it, it wouldn’t be my secret burden to carry around forever, the act of releasing my feelings and getting rid of them would give me some inner peace and you know what? He was right, because it did. I wrote every ugly detail and sent it to him and asked him to read it before he deleted it, it was crazy but it helped me feel so much better to share my horror with someone I trusted knowing the information would go no further, and I felt validated in the way I felt… it was a gift he shared, like he was helping me release the burden and remember that it wasn’t my fault, that I was victimized and betrayed in the worst way possible but it wasn’t my fault and I should stop feeling guilty for something that wasn’t my fault (they both tried to convince me it was no big deal and nothing to be upset about)… sorry to go on, but it means so much to me to know I have a safe place to come, if I haven’t said it enough, I love you all ❤

            Oh and ps, this is the reason I think marriages should come with a 10 year option for renewal, especially when you make that decision at the age of 20.
            🙂

            Like

  30. catrouble says:

    Sheesh…with the week I’ve had, I get over here and there are already a bajillion comments and I don’t have time to read everything…will come back later and try to catch up.

    Ana, you did an outstanding job of defining DD. It is just a tool used in a relationship.

    For those of you who know about my past relationships, this is going to sound very funny but I only heard the term Domestic Discipline aka DD about 18 months ago. I did live the lifestyle for 18 years of marriage and then for 2 years of a relationship including engagement but only found the term after my fiance died and his former SIL got into a strange group and I went looking for information. If you want more info regarding all that, you can read it on my blog on the My Life page.

    Yes, I’ve read all types of stories involving DD, TTWD, BDSM, M/s, spanking and combinations thereof. 😉

    Never had anything put discipline or reconnection spankings…always considered myself a spankno but hmmm…blogland has made me wonder so if I am ever lucky enough to find another love, I might have to investigate those GG spankings. LOL

    Oh and Maren that can earn you a spanking from a narrow-minded HoH:
    1. I am NOT rolling my eyes…I am praying for patience!
    2. You were serious about that?
    3. Why? Because you’re crazy?
    4. Are you HIGH?!!!
    5. I HEARD you the first thousand times!
    6. Pay attention! (Oh and snap your fingers in his face as you say this)
    7. Well, duh.
    8. Picky. Picky. Picky.
    9. Blah, Blah, Blah
    10. And the ever so fun…WHATEVER!

    Just remember…you didn’t hear any of these from me and if you did, they were given in warning of what not to say! 😀

    Blessings…Cat

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Great, just what Maren needs, MORE trouble! Sigh. Cat, don’t you want her to sit?

      Yes, I totally believe DD is a new-ish term for you. It was what you lived, not what you talked about. And 20 years of experience in that lifestyle is nothing to sneeze at. How many times have I told you that you should write more about advice for DD couples? Hm? Do I need to have a chat with Mrs. Claus, missy? 😉

      Cat, honey. You have to BE a good girl to get a good girl spanking. *shaking my head*

      And I’m not encouraging you, but the blah blah blah works better with the hand gesture. LOL

      Like

  31. Katy Beth McKee says:

    First heard about DD when I stumbled into the Blushing Books website. Which lead to the Woodshed.
    Have read a lot.
    It is all book knowledge. But there have been times when I tempted to make an impulse purchase that I stop and think if my hubby spanked would this earn me one. If so I need to not get/do this.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Book knowledge is wonderful! Many of us have rich fantasy lives that are entirely satisfying. It’s like building castles in the air, or dreaming of a day when we can retire on a private island. If it brings us joy and doesn’t detract from our engagement in real life now, why not?

      I do suspect that earning a spanking for an impulse purchase might be an ambivalent experience for you…you’d want the spanking, but not the punishment.

      Like

  32. octoberwoman says:

    I can’t remember when I first heard of it, but I’ve read about it here and there, off and on, for a couple of years now. I’ve only read about it, it’s not something I’ve done in real life. I like reading about it (I like reading about practically anything), but I don’t honestly know if I would want to experience it in reality. I guess I need to read up on it some more!

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Good for you! You can enjoy reading it without having to experience it in real life. I love to read about ballet dancers, but I’d never want to be one. And for now, enjoy your reading. What else are books for, if not to bring pleasure and allow us to live other lives? 🙂

      Like

  33. Sherilyn says:

    Great post, Ana! I love the Spanking Reviews Roundtables; I’ve been able to introduce my hubby to a number of concepts through them. He’s definitely going to get a link to this one!

    1. I think I first heard of DD in the late ’90s. I’m afraid that tells you how long I’ve been on the Internet and searching on “spanking”.

    2. Yes, I’ve read many stories, some good and some really not. The relationship I have with my hubby is the closest I’ve come to living it. He hasn’t been willing to discuss actually doing something like DD beyond occasional spankings when he doesn’t like something I’ve done. Until recently, when I shared the Roundtable on submission, he thought being Dominant was being a bully. While he can be a great bully, that’s not what I’m looking for, by a very long shot.

    3. Mostly, I get spanked when I ask for it. This takes a huge effort on my part because I find it very difficult to say, “Please spank me.” or some variant of that. He swats me in the kitchen occasionally, for fun. I wish Maren’s list would work for me; it would be a whole lot easier!

    I haven’t gotten to read all the comments yet, but those I have read are very illuminating. I keep thinking I’m the only spanko in the world who doesn’t have a cooperative mate. I have to say I feel very badly for those who’ve never gotten spanked and want it. I sympathize greatly and hope you get what you hope for at some point!

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      How neat you’ve been able to bring conversations to your husband! Of course there are dominants who are bullies, but there are also submissives who are bullies. It’s about the individual person, not a role.

      Maybe you could have code words or little ways to ask for a spanking without really asking?

      You’re not alone by a long shot! It’s rather a trend in some circles for one partner to want a dynamic and for the partner to drag his or her feet.

      Let’s see what Mrs. Claus can do about your wish. 😀

      Like

  34. Mona Lisa says:

    I was afraid to reply to this post. I did not want to be – again , different as everyone else.
    Thankfully , I see that we are many here who think the same .

    The first time I heard or read – I’m on DD when I searched for ” reatreat for a couple” on the net and ended up on [another site…name redacted–Ana] it was ca 1,5 year ago. I can laugh about it today , but then , I got a shock . I started reading and did not want to believe that this is true that some adults do this. His presentation of all the implements of his blog was like a torrtyr walkthrough for me . I felt mentally and physically ill . I just wanted to vomit ..

    I was very strongly negatively affected by what I have read but could not stop thinking about it . What are the kind of people who do this ? I wanted to know , how they think , I wanted to understand it because I could not believe it , and speceillt why they do it. I did not know what a paddle was, I ‘ve never seen a paddle , I’ve never seen, heard that someone was spanked even as a child. I always have to rely on my brain. It has never let me down .. but I could not understand the purpose of Dd .

    An adult should be sufficiently mature to know what is wrong and right. To do things and not do things because of love for their partner and family rather than fear of punishment.
    I believe that no one can make another person happy. I can make myself happy. Similarly, changing a bad behavior is my responsibility not my parnters, according to me.
    And I believe that corporal punishment is wrong, simply wrong and forbidden in a Europa.

    I have never read spanking stories before, I’ve tried a few now, but I do not like punishment occurrence in them. First, I learned that DD should be consent. But it is not always in spanking storries and what I can think of that? Is there abus then?

    In any case, during this trip I and my husband discovered erotic spanking. European version, a la` Bas .. pink, not red. (Thank you, my friend.)

    And Sunny girl, thank you for your definition about DD .. lol .. I agree.

    Mona Lisa.

    Like

    • Tara Finnegan says:

      Hi Mona Lisa
      As one of the helper elves I read through the replies every day, and really wanted to give you my thoughts, I hope that’s ok with you.
      I’ve had a spanking fetish since my late teens/ early twenties, and have been involved in erotic spankings with my (now) husband for 20 years. (I’m now in my forties) I first learned about DD around about eleven or twelve years ago. I stumbled upon it totally by accident, but like you I had a morbid fascination with it. It first horrified me, then I found I couldn’t get it out of my brain. By then, I had seen abusive relationships and my first reaction was “this is abuse”.
      But I found myself constantly going back to one place in particular, there was an MSN group at the time “HOH relationships and domestic discipline” I think it was called. I lurked for a long, long time and eventually raised the courage to join. It was predominantly but not exclusively Male HOH / female sub. But because there were F/m, and even F/f or M/m relationships on there I soon learned not to jump to conclusions.
      What I learned was that the majority of these relationships were initiated by the submissive partner, or if you want to be harsh, you might say the “victim.” I also learned that in about 98% of these relationships there was a level of closeness and tenderness that stunned me to the core. The Dominant partner often had to learn to spank, especially for “punishment” as it goes against the grain of modern society. And for every dominant who struggled to come to terms with his/ her new responsibility there was an incredibly grateful submissive, who felt cherished and adored. I envied them in a way. So much so that I wanted to try it. With one very reluctant husband who knows me too well, we tried going down that road for a time. It was a disaster for us because while I’m a spanko, I soon realised I’m not a submissive nor is my hubby a dominant. We met as equals and in the end we chose to go along the road of our marriage as equals.
      In that time, I was never, ever afraid of him. If anything, it drove me absolutely nuts with desire (Possibly part of the reason it wasn’t for me, it was a reward not a punishment!!) Sometimes I got angry, especially if he had pissed me off earlier in the day by something he had done, I was expected to swallow it down and get over it but I was to be punished. But that was our dynamic. One thing that did happen in our experimental phase was that we talked, a lot, and analysed whether it was good or bad for us, which resulted in a closeness that we can still call upon when we need it.
      As I said earlier, it is not for everyone. But I equally can see massive benefits for those that it does suit. In life we have to choose our own paths, your path or mine might not be DD but for some it’s as essential as water or the air we breathe.
      I said about 98% were remarkable earlier. Of course there were one or two abusive situations, but that will happen in life wherever you go. How many of us haven’t had a colleague who has shafted us to their gain? Or suffered harassment or abuse at work or school. There will always be bullies in the world. DD will get it’s share. But only proportionately to every other situation in life, or I might even go so far as to say to a lesser extent as for the sub to come out, they really must know and trust the dom.
      I don’t expect to change your mind on this, in a way it didn’t change mine because I learned it wasn’t for me. But I also learned to absolutely respect those who can make it work for them.
      Best regards
      Tara

      Like

      • Mona Lisa says:

        Thank you for your answer.
        Tara, are you aware that DD is almost exclusively an American styl of marriage?
        Why is it so? Is it a learned sense that my “sins” are forgiven if I get the punishment? In the U.S., you are used to being punished. (More than 90% of all children get spanked in the United States at some point while growing up.)
        Is it a learned sense that if a husband punishes me, he shows me love?

        Yet there must be lots of submissiva women in Europe who have not even heard about DD and CP at all.. And these are also happy.

        Like

        • Tara Finnegan says:

          Funnily enough Mona Lisa, that site I referred to earlier had it’s share of Europeans, including English and Irish members. Yes, I agree it probably was dominated more by US citizens, but proportionally, the US has so many more citizens and therefore more DD practitioners.

          Another factor to be considered is that here in the British Isles (I’ll use the geographical term from here on in for simplicity rather than having to keep typing the country names, I hope it causes no offence, to either my UK neighbours or my Irish compatriots), we tend to be much more closed and secretive about what happens behind closed doors. We are not taught to be open about our relationships or our emotions, and even though we are far more sexually active than in previous generations, it’s still almost taboo to talk about it candidly. I suspect there are far more spanking type relationships here than will ever be known, some DD, some purely kink. The kink ones may be easier to understand in a way, but they’re no more or no less valid than the DD relationships.

          All people are individual and there is no formula. You get one life to live as it suits you. For some people DD simply suits. If it works for them, and makes them stronger and happier I congratulate them. Lots of people carry guilt issues, be it through upbringing, religion, personality or whatever. If a spanking helps them let go, and they have a willing spanker, I can’t see a problem with it. I just see the savings in therapy costs!

          My issues are only when it’s truly non consensual (as opposed to a blanket permission and then the spankee wants it to stop at the time of the spanking, simply because it hurts more than they remembered!) and the spankee really feels threatened or unhappy with the situation, or when the force used is excessive and causes more than a few bruises and a red bottom, that is when it crosses into abuse in my mind.

          I’m laughing at myself defending it, as I don’t choose to live it. But I do feel that equality in life should mean that those who do choose that way, shouldn’t have to feel ashamed of it or hide it.

          Like

          • Mona Lisa says:

            UK has an old traditioon regarding CP in schools. Europe I meant actually old Europe, where CP is banned for several generations in many countries ..
            I should have written: Europe without the UK and Ireland … lol ..

            There are certain boundaries that should never be crossed.
            For you, the goal is the most important. Regardless of the way there.
            Not for me.

            Like

            • Mona Lisa says:

              Of course, all choose how they want to live.
              Everyone has the freedom. I have been here for nearly a year and I’ve read lots of different blogs that was OK and plenty that are not quite OK.
              And it hurts so much in my heart..

              I’m not against spanking. I like spanking.
              It is punishment, I do not understand.

              Like

              • Anastasia Vitsky says:

                It can be hard not to understand choices other people make, can’t it? There are some choices that I object to or couldn’t allow. There are a few I won’t allow to be discussed here on this blog. It’s okay if something doesn’t make sense to you.

                I think it’s wonderful you and your husband have discovered the joys of erotic spanking. Some couples try to do DD when what they really want is erotic spanking, but they feel ashamed for wanting it. That leads to some bad situations. We should feel proud and happy in our needs and able to get them met in healthy ways.

                For you, spanking as a punishment makes you feel ill. For someone else, spanking as a punishment is a gift of love, a release from guilt and self-loathing, and a way to feel cleansed, forgiven, and secure.

                For me, a punishment spanking is awful in its own way but so wonderful afterward. For others, it is the same way.

                If that doesn’t make sense, it’s okay. You are still welcome here, and you are still a valuable member of this community. It’s okay to disagree, it’s okay to think differently, and it’s okay to say so–as long as we give everyone the chance to do the same thing.

                Thank you for speaking up and for being willing to have a grown-up conversation about this, one where we can disagree but still respect each other.

                Hugs.

                Like

  35. quiet sara says:

    Oh my gosh I laughed so hard when I read: “That sounds neat, but painful! Why would anyone want to be spanked?
    Ahem. You do realize this blog is about spanking, right? I understand if the recent post about Fred Rogers confused you. :D”

    Too funny! Maren’s list was hilarious too. I loved the “man slave” comment. I may try
    that one out later! LOL I have said a few of those and gotten spanked for them! 🙂

    I first heard about DD just under a year ago. I won’t try to define it. I am not good at that!

    My husband is my HOH and we do practice DD. I like it very very much.

    I get spanked A LOT. I mean a whole LOT. They are different the same way
    icecream flavors are different. Yeah, I know that doesn’t make sense but that’s my answer.

    love
    sara 🙂

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Giggle. I do love when people appreciate my humor. 😀

      Sara!! Sheesh, do you want to join Maren in the 5-year stand-up stretch?

      I love how you and your husband enjoy your spankings and yet take them seriously, too. Ice cream, mm. Now I want some.

      Like

  36. Janey says:

    I learned the term ‘domestic discipline’ a very long time (double figure years) after I worked out that it was what I wanted/ needed.
    I discovered spanking magazines in my very early twenties. I couldn’t afford them often, but when I did, I read cover to cover and back again until I knew every story or article or drawing so well. Even then there were some stories that had me squirming and dreaming and others that didn’t.
    My boyfriend (now hubby) and I played around with spanking along with tying up and role playing and many different things, but I kept going back to the husband and naughty wife scenario in my fantasy. When we played spanking it was fun, but if I thought about being held accountable or punished for some real misdeed then I was satisfied.
    I feel the need to be looked after, to have someone looking out for me, to hold me to expectations. I feel the need to be ‘reminded’ of these and punished if I do not achieve them. As a six foot tall woman who always looked older as a child, i was always expected to act older and am usually viewed as someone able to look after herself. I am only ever attracted to men taller and bigger then me. I don’t like being Amazonian! I dreamed of being thought of as sweet, fluffy, cuddly, one who could be picked up and thrown over her mans shoulder. I want to know that even if it is unlikely that he can pick me up, he will be able to support me, hold me up or hold me down!!!
    Hubby doesn’t want me to stop being an independent woman, able to stand on my own two feet and stand up for myself, but he is now demanding respect as my husband. I love it when he makes decisions, is dominant and firm, even if its just a small instruction over the phone “I expect you to have put your hair up by the time I get home.”
    Even within this we have some lighthearted moments. Punishments for fairly inconsequential actions or lack thereof to very serious issues and the very stern and purposeful discipline that follows.
    I really did love your definition Ana. The simplicity and inclusiveness of it was very effective.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      The irony, and my friend Kaelah is great at expressing this, is that amongst the spanking kinksters there is actually a rather surprising narrow-mindedness, that “my kink is okay but yours is not.” I don’t know why. Do we expect spankos to be more open-minded? Or are spankos less tolerant, on the whole, because we feel less accepted? I’m not sure. That’s been my crusade from the beginning, to build bridges rather than walls. Yes, there are kinks I object to for moral and religious reasons, but I never criticize what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own home.

      There certainly is an attraction in being allowed to let go, to feel free, and to enjoy this freedom while being held accountable. It’s lovely when it works well.

      So glad to have you here.

      Like

  37. 00sarah says:

    Have you read stories about or tried it in real life? If yes, how and was it successful? If no, why not?

    I have read stories about DD and we sorta do it. Not really?? I don’t know. When it works, it really works well. I can feel a peace and calm in our home and relationship. I feel more attracted to him. I certainly feel more respectful, which in returns brings all kinds of benefits to a relationship.

    It’s successful if it is consistent. It’s successful if it’s taken seriously and not just a passing fancy.

    There is a difference between DD and spanking as a fetish or turn on. And in DD, there are many types of spankings. Like Sara said, as many as ice cream flavors.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Sometimes the passing fancy stage is a beginning point, testing the waters, and seeing how it goes. Maybe if it is something beneficial for both of you, that dynamic will grow. Or maybe not, but your relationship will grow in other ways. I hope so. 🙂

      Stability, security, and communication are things many people crave about DD, but it comes in many forms.

      Like

  38. Renee Meyer says:

    I first heard the term DD about 18 months ago. Ana you did an excellent job defining it. The door to reading privately was opened for my when I was given a Kindle two years ago. It did not take me long to realize the benefits to reading this way (privacy). I have now read many, many books on this topic. Spanking has always played a large role in my very active imagination. Unfortunately, it is not a possibility with my hubby. Why? We are part of a very conservative community in which I am already considered a rebel (surprised?). I do try not to cause trouble but it just seems to come naturally. I always feel like an outsider but after reading many of the posts and following this advent calendar I guess I am not such an odd duck after all (sigh of relief). Thank you Ana for providing a safe place to lurk and participate.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Kindles have been great in allowing people to read naughty books without fear of discovery. Though my friend once grabbed mine and showed it to her mom. Um, thanks? Sigh. Now I have a guest account with family-friendly books in case someone wants to see.

      You’re far from an odd duck! Many people would love to have a spanking relationship in real life but can’t. Why do you think book fantasies are so popular? 😀

      Love having you lurk and participate, dear.

      Like

  39. Renee Rose says:

    I first heard of DD through the romance novel site smartbitchestrashynovels.com. They were horrified and as a closet spanko, I was turned on, so I had to click over and find out all about it. Your definition was excellent.

    Like

  40. pao says:

    What a stimulating discussion! I think this topic has to come up every so often just to people talking about these definitions and how they use DD in their lives. I cannot agree more that DD is a tool and not a cure all. More importantly, I don’t think it can be stressed enough that communication between parties is very important. Reading through the comments, I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to Joanne and what she’s been through.

    Like

  41. abby says:

    I first learned about DD on the internet….Spankings can certainly be very different…what is used….positions…reason for the spanking,,,head space….but they do make one vulnerable , and often open up lines of communication.
    Oh..and sometimes they are just plain fun!
    hugs abby

    Like

  42. Erzabet Bishop says:

    When did you first hear about DD? How would you define it? I first heard about it when I started doing research for my erotica stories. I would define it as one partner taking care of and mentoring another using corporal punishment as a learning tool.

    Have you read stories about or tried it in real life? If yes, how and was it successful? If no, why not? Yes and no.

    If you practice other types of spanking besides DD, how are they similar or different?

    I live through my books on this one Ana, but I would love to do it one day! 🙂 *cheeky grin*

    Like

  43. Katie says:

    Great post Ana!! 🙂 Lots of good information and neat comments to read! I loved Maren’s list- made me LOL. I would never try those with Rob. Truth be told, while sometimes a bit of attitude shows, in general I try my best to do what he asks of me. I tend to get into trouble (yeah- Katie T) for zoning out, no longer listening, and being totally not focused on things. Then his “attention” gets me back on track. I am convinced it has to do with hormones…

    Speaking of Maren, I loved the book “Switch’! Read it a while back! Great read!

    1) I started lurking on DD blogs about a year ago this past August. I read “those books”/50 Shades earlier in the winter and went on to read a ton of others like it. Submission and spanking spoke to me somehow and I started reading everything I could get my hands on. It all lead to discovering the blogs/this community. I would define it as a relationship where one person leads and one follows. It is a gift on both parties parts in my eyes. 🙂

    2) I have read lots of stories about DD. Over the last year plus, we have incorporated the dynamic/ttwd (we make it our own) into our marriage of 25 years. It was incredibly successful. It changed our lives in many ways. Rob stepped up and I stepped down. There is an order and peace in our marriage. There is also lots of fun. It is a balance. I am truly grateful. While I don’t like “punishment spankings/spankings with that darn spatula, I cooperate (I might say something like, “please no, Honey” but I go there. Because it works and I love my husband to no end, and trust him as well.

    3) We do use spanking with love making half the time- if I had to guess at frequency. A lot of time a more maintenance type spanking will end with love making. If I am in serious trouble, I will tend to be otk in the bathroom looking at the tiles. Other spankings will be across his lap, on the bed (I lOVE but don’t necessarily love these), etc. The tone is different. Sometimes those spankings are just plain HOT!!! No matter what the spanking, I feel loved and know that he loves me- good or bad, we are in this together and he would never hurt me! 🙂 Thanks Ana! Many hugs,

    ❤ Katie

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Maren’s list is hysterical, isn’t it? I was a little worried I’d be upstaged by her suggestions today because they are so funny. I couldn’t believe she’d actually *said* them! But…when it’s all said and done, having a joke is great as long as everyone involved thinks it’s funny. 🙂 I’m not positive Maren thought it was quite so funny when she had to pay the piper later.

      That a great description about leading and following. It’s all simple, really. Nothing complicated or convoluted, just trust and communication.

      Glad that things are working out so well for you!

      Like

  44. pieclown says:

    Hello,
    This is a hard one for me. I have only been in one relationship. She was coming out of an abusive relation. I guess I will try to answer 1. When did I first hear about DD, I could not say. I have been reading spanking stories for sometime. True most where not DD, but some where and they put spanking into a light of a loving relationship, not some bun warmer before sex. I like the idea that is a way to improve or guide the other The question is it a 2 way street or one is always the guardian/leader and the other always the student. I am trying not to use the terms master/mistress and slave that is now what this is about.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Pieclown, I admit I am a little disappointed that your response didn’t include any references to pies. 😦 I was looking forward to a pie-themed DD. 😀 “DD is when two grown-ups love each other enough to share a pie.” Hehe.

      Lots of stories of spanking, some DD and some not. There are many kinds of relationships. Of course some relationships can have good intentions but cause problems, but I think good intentions are usually (not always) there.

      Like

      • pieclown says:

        I hope you are not too upset and go looking for more spotty panties and wooden spoon. haha I would say WAM wet and messy (getting wet in clothes,mud wrestling, pie/food fights) are more a fun activity to do. So couples take walks, play cards, put on leather and tie each other up, oops, sorry. So I though it was more like that then “You bought to many pies at the bake sale, you need to be punished” or “You do want me to be my best for the soft ball game, So get on the dunk tank, so I can practice my pitching”

        Again thank for having a fun place.

        Like

  45. Kathryn R. Blake says:

    Unfortunately, today was not a good day for me, so I’m going to have to go back and read all the replies to Day 13 when I’ve got more time. As for me, or us…. I probably first heard about DD a few years ago, once I started reading spanking books and doing research on writing one. We do practice it, but in a very modified form since we’d never heard of the term. Hubby is a former college professor, so he’s a natural teacher and counselor. He’s always taken the lead in our relationship and has threatened spankings, but we’ve never attempted a serious session, though he claims he’s willing to try if it appears I need one.

    As for a definition, I think you covered it very well, Ana, but I like Michael’s definition the best. He defines it as “a nurturing relationship which fosters growth between the two people both individually and as a couple.” If we define couple as any two individuals, I think it encompasses my perception of DD the best. I personally view DD as a two way street. Yes, hubby is our HOH, but our relationship is not one-sided. I help him grow as much as he helps me, and I guide him in the areas where I’m the strongest, so he learns from me as well. We help each other become the best we can be. I will say that when I get “snippy” as he calls it, a threatened spanking will quickly adjust my attitude, which was clearly lacking in respect. So, I’d say respect plays a part in DD as well.

    Thanks for the excellent post, Ana.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      I’m so sorry to hear today was not a good day. 😦 I hope it is better now.

      I do believe I had a mini-fantasy when you said college professor. 😉

      Considering how calm you are, I’d have trouble imagining you getting into fights. I’m sure your husband is a great leader, but I’m sure you’re also a great follower.

      Yes, Michael added the part about growth on both sides that I should have put in. The dominant partner learns and grows just as much as the submissive one, or at least he/she should.

      Love your comment, as always.

      Like

  46. Tracey Gramiak Horton says:

    1. I heard about DD—-well not sure, it merges a bit. I was going to christian churches at the time, 2001, and heard about it in church and at the same time I googled spanking on the internet and found Herwoodshed and have been a member and hooked since then. Christian DD left a bad taste in mouth. Many days it just semed like plain abuse. But I couldn’t deny my interest in spanking, D/s, and DD. I have been interested in spanking my whole life–can’t remember a time I wasn’t enthralled with it.

    2. I have read hundreds and hundreds of stories, articles, blogs, etc. I have about driven myself crazy trying to figure out every aspect of it. Like Natasha Knight’s book Aching for Submission, I had a “come to Jesus” talk with my husband and told him all my secrets. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life–I still get out of breath and blush thinking about it. Thankfully he truly loves me and nothing shocks him (this has proven) he supported me having a membership to herwoodshed, has read the stories I want him to read to understand how I feel. It has been a slow and agonizing (at times) process.

    After 10 years since our talk, this year we actually started trying TTWD and like many have said here, my fantasies are still better than reality; but we are moving in the right direction. I will probably never be truly submissive and he will never be a dominant. But we both have the tendencies. He is worried about hurting me and I am worried he will never hurt me. LOL

    3. I have a very strong personality, take charge, always emotional, and usually the ring leader and party coordinator. But crave not having to be in charge, giving up the control. He is very laid back, easy going, methodical and very analytical. So when I have taken on too many tasks and the days are shrinking, I tend to blow up verbally and throw things and swear. (Hey, it’s the Irish in me!!) He hates this part of me and has always wanted this to be fixed. I told him just recently that I really would like him to physically intervene at these times and a few well placed swats would bring me up short. He has agreed. I have been on good behavior since then. mmmmm interesting.

    Anyone who is friends with me on facebook saw recently that I threw my college son’s laundry on the deck– in the snow (after it was in the laundry room for TWO WEEKS) and after not being able to find my clorox spray bottle, threw my final fit that day and threw clorox all over the kitchen before mopping, while in my bare feet!! That was when I made the suggestion to “bring me up short” at times like that.

    It’s a process and am looking forward to our growth in the next year!

    I will continue to visit this blog after the Advent Calendar–what an amazing little community we have here. Very supportive. Thank you Ana!!

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      “He is worried about hurting me and I am worried he will never hurt me. LOL”

      That could be a theme song for many women I know here! 😀

      It’s very brave to bring up this topic with a partner. Good for you for doing it. And the power of a threat that doesn’t need to be carried out to instill obedience…mmm!

      Throwing laundry into the snow? LOL! Except…who had to clean it up? Poor Tracey.

      It’s wonderful to have you here. People like you make it the amazing community it is. ❤

      Like

  47. bellabryce says:

    1] When did you first hear about DD? How would you define it?
    When I was a teenager, but it seemed too ‘adult’ for me at the time. I guess I forgot that one day I would ‘grow up’ and I would want my interest in discipline to come along with me. I definite it as it sounds – domestically (or home life) being disciplined/kept in line – for the betterment of both.

    2] Have you read stories about or tried it in real life?
    Yup and yup!

    2a] If yes, how and was it successful? If no, why not?
    My husband and I are young: 28 and 26 and have been married 4.5 years. I didn’t date before I met him (at 21) and didn’t even kiss before him – I was waiting for a very specific type of man. He had to fit a certain criteria and that included being 100% on board with DD. I found out during our engagement (and we didn’t sleep together before we got married, either) that he means business if he’s crossed. However, once we got married that flicker faded [much to my heartbreak]. I had to shout, scream and act like a completely horrible person to get reactions when all along I just wanted the man I knew was in there somewhere – to come back. Looking back, I feel my behaviour stomped on his confidence and there I was at year 3 crying because I was so angry and felt betrayed that he wasn’t doing what I understood he thought he understood he should be doing. It’s rather simple in my mind; you are a man, act like it. Stop letting me walk all over you. Stop putting up with my fits and overspending – no really – stop it. It got tedious and pathetic and I can’t tell you how many nights I spent crying, wishing that I could just let it go. But I couldn’t. The idea of thinking about my marriage without a very certain degree of serious power exchange/submissiveness on my end was devastating. I felt ridiculous having to encourage him but realised he wouldn’t have needed that later on if I’d perhaps just backed off earlier on.

    Either way, we recommitted to DD 2.5 months ago and it’s a journey. I don’t know how some couples manage it for 20 years so successfully when we’re struggling to make it work at this stage. It’s just the two of us as the moment but I also wonder and worry how starting a family will change or affect this part of our relationship.

    I guess I feel a little discouraged, actually, after responding to this one! LOL.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Yes, the irony is that in trying to push our partners to step up and take a role of authority, we often end up undermining both their confidence and their ability to do so. When we learn to step back and allow them to lead in the way that works for them, amazing things happen.

      Good relationships always involve struggle and re-commitment. If you’re working hard, you’re probably doing it right. 🙂

      Like

  48. Blondie says:

    1.When did you first hear about DD? How would you define it?
    We were practicing DD before we knew that it had a name. We started over two years ago. I think that what was written described it well. We use it to help our marriage and deal with my depression. Ty is the HoH and I am the HoH’s ho. Lol. We have rules that help me and a punishment if I mess up. I usually only really get in trouble a couple of times a year. But there are little infractions that I might get a little spanking for. And Ty has the final say. In return, Ty treats me with respect, listens to my opinion and is my partner. With DD, I know my job and role and I want to please him. Ty works hard outside of the home and I work at home, raising five children, keeping the house clean, in charge of scheduling things like doctor appointments or soccer practice and I try to have dinner ready every night. Defining roles has really benefited our marriage.

    2.Have you read stories about or tried it in real life? If yes, how and was it successful? If no, why not?
    Read plenty of stories. I think reading about dominant men gave us the idea to start our own type of relationship.

    3.If you practice other types of spanking besides DD, how are they similar or different?
    Discipline spanking is meant to be painful. There is nothing fun about it. But it is a lot in my head and what Ty is saying that really makes it discipline. There are other spankings me do from reminders, play and part of our sex. They all include spanking but the mood is different. They can all end in sex.

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Wow, you are busy! In some ways, a clearly defined arrangement means efficiency. When it works well, it works extremely well. It sounds like it works well for you. 🙂

      Yes, some of discipline is nothing about the physical and all about the emotions and the connections.

      Like

  49. minellesbreath says:

    Your post covers the definition clearly and without all the drama or bias associated with certain perspectives.
    I was thinking that many women actually have DD relationships with their friends, maybe sans spanking. When we care about each other we often check in and encourage our friends to take care of themselves etc….We read them the riot act if they fall short of expectations.
    I have been aware of spanking in relationships for most of my life….but by typing spanking….and spending hours upon hours reading WHEREVER my cursor took me…I discovered how everyone defines DD. One thing is clear it should be a caring loving relationship.
    We don’t do DD exactly…we have aspects of discipline but neither of us define it. There are erotic spankings too. What works for one partnership may not work for another. That is why it is part of the umbrella TTWD. It is good that way since we are all different not robots but human beings.
    Do I read spanking fiction??? Ugh—– yesserie! All kinds!! I love DD romance. I probably have more books than I know what to do with….Oh read them again!!
    Did I answer enough questions….Ms Ana!!

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      That’s true, many female friendships do include accountability and guidance. There is a depth to the friendship that almost goes to sisterhood, in that you love someone enough to speak unwelcome truths.

      The wonder is that you ever found your way back! Poor cursor.

      Two words for you:

      “Text”

      and

      “Driving.”

      Yes, I went there!

      Like

  50. Michelle Palmer says:

    Thanks for the interesting blog on DD Ana! Although we do not practice DD at home I have certainly read plenty of stories about it! I do love the idea of accountability… and someone caring enough to follow through on discipline. And of course the concept of being punished is super hot! l barely scraped under the wire tonite… whew!

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Actually…ahem…you’re rather late, miss. Report to Mrs. Claus’ kitchen with your skirt up and bottom bare for your chastisement. And try not to excite all the other naughty girls and boys as you walk past. 😉

      I shall hand-select a perfect wooden spoon for you. Maybe beechwood.

      Giggle. Now what do you think of accountability?

      Like

  51. Leona says:

    Hi I really love this comments on DD.. I know about for over 5yrs but never practised it.. I was in a relationship the my ex husband was boss I would say.. He had final say. I love it, I a terrible house keeper any thing domestic. I tried really hard.. I do understand what they mean about aftercare.. I think I would have not end up hating it, If the love and care he showed at first did not stop.. oopps I think I went of track. haha..

    I love reading about it. I am single and I am still looking for the right person to guided me.. If not. reading helps with awesome fantasy..
    Never tryed spanking.. I hope everyone had a great day.. I actually thought I was going to me out today. but I got on.. finally..
    Lots of hugs Leona:)

    Like

    • Anastasia Vitsky says:

      Aftercare is essential but too often ignored. Yet the flip side is that sometimes aftercare becomes so involved that the ritual makes the punishment worthwhile rather than a deterrent.

      I hope you find the right person! In the meantime, fantasy works and we are still glad to have you here.

      Glad you made it.

      Like

  52. TL says:

    I personally feel like one of the hardest things about DD is the expectation. When Bucko and I first started out I would read stories and then expect our relationship to follow that script. When it didn’t I was upset and disappointed that he didn’t do it right. It wasn’t until I let go and allowed us to grow in our own relationship and do things our way that we found any success.

    Like

  53. Corinne Alexander says:

    Maren I literally laughed out loud at your list! Please tell me you did not actually try those out in real life!

    Very informative post for those seeking information about DD. I first found the term DD either on a forum that Bethany hosted many years ago or when I stumbled upon the very first very rough cdd website. It wasn’t until I found the cdd site and it explained it so well that I had a light bulb moment of defining what exactly it was that I was looking for. Before that I knew it was spanking but no what, how, or why. This completely defined exactly what I was seeking.

    Like

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