Ana’s Advent Calendar Day 11: Healing and Emotional Responsibility

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I met Kellie Kamryn a few years ago and enjoyed her crisp, clear writing. She’s known for turning cartwheels at conferences, often in the street and with a video camera running. When she posted about healing last month, it was a perfect message for Advent Calendar. We all bring our hurts and emotional difficulties to the season, no matter how we try to focus on the positive. Maybe we can’t contact family members, for any number of reasons. Maybe we struggle with mental and/or chronic illness. Maybe employment and financial difficulties seem crushing. Or maybe it’s the more prosaic difficulties of a frustrating spouse/boss/child/neighbor. Maybe we really, really hate putting up those stupid lights.

Whatever your difficulty might be this year, I’ve invited you to honor those losses. At the same time, I also invite you to find strength amidst the loss. I hope that you will find comfort in Kellie’s post today. If you don’t, that’s okay, too. Different messages speak to different people. I hope, though, that today we can honor the strength in ourselves and in the people we love (and sometimes hate!).

If Kellie’s post doesn’t speak to you, how have you tried to cope with difficulties? What strategies and suggestions do you have?

 

 

Hi – this is Kellie Kamryn. I’m a romance author who spins fictional worlds for people to dive into, columnist for The Aquarian online where I keep it real to help others take charge of their lives, and a mom of four—my most important job. As a narrator, I help bring people’s books to life, and assist other’s in finding a new voice for their work. My Facebook posts on occasion spark good conversation. I like conversation. I enjoy engaging people, and I love it if I’ve said something that makes other people think. That’s how this post came about. After a lifetime of seeking validation from the external world, I’m learning how to go inward. This is a topic that’s talked a lot about, yet people aren’t sure how to achieve it. With my mentors guiding me, and from learning to listen to my own Heart, I am working on emotional healing, and taking responsibility for my life.

If you don’t think you can change the world, think again. Everything outside of you is but a symptom of what is happening in your inner world. This can be a very difficult concept to absorb, especially if someone is in a less than desirable situation. If you are being mistreated, you do not deserve it. Find the courage to leave or change the situation. This concept does not seek to make anything others do to you your fault. What it gives you is the power to look inside of yourself to determine how you want to change a situation.

Once you have changed your situation, take time to heal, lance your emotional wounds, purge the poison plaguing your heart, and halt the efforts your ego has to attack others outside of yourself. We often hear talk about how we let our “ego’s” get in the way. They can and we do let them. However, this isn’t to say your ego is your enemy; rather it seeks to protect you from yourself. Often when we leave a painful situation behind, we promise ourselves we will never do it again. Yet, we do repeat our past patterns, sometimes in ways very similar to what we left behind, other times in ways we don’t expect. If you never go inside and heal your hurts, your ego and Heart will always be at war. You will always find fault in others if you do not look inward, and take emotional responsibility for yourself.

Emotional responsibility is something I work on daily. Often, I’m too hard on myself by not using my Voice to speak up for myself. I’m a compassionate person, and I tend to accept people as they are, which sometimes leads me to not saying something to someone when I clearly should because I accept that they “are who they are”. However, others cannot or will not ever seek to be responsible for their own emotions, if I do not say what is on my mind. If it is done with the correct intent, then I cannot help how others will react to what I have to say. All I can tell is my truth.

How do I know this? Because I constantly work on it. I have amazing individuals in my life who assist me on my journey, and I’m far from done. Yet I have seen how much can change just by going through the process I have so far. Relationships have changed because I’ve chosen to heal myself, and not stay bogged down in ideals that no longer suit me. Becoming emotionally responsible for my half of relationships and friendships is an important part of my personal process. Opportunities have opened up for me and in turn, I have the chance to give back to others. By changing my inner world—which includes, but not limited to, raising my self-esteem, using my Voice, and speaking my truth—the outer world does change. I am thankful for others who practice this too. The more people who examine their inner world and make important changes there first, the more the outside world will be a better place.

Everything comes full circle. Let the circle begin with YOU.

 

Vernal Vexation_ FINAL

Star Crossed

Book 2 – Vernal Vexation

 

For three months, Kayla Webber has spent nearly every waking moment with Kaleb Warner, the man who shares her heart. Between training and getting to know each other, she’s had little time for herself. When Kaleb disappears for a few days, she welcomes the respite.

Meditation during the Vernal Equinox brings on a disturbing vision of Kaleb with another woman. Shaken up, Kayla travels home to her guardians for guidance. Before Kaleb returns, she must battle her own Shadow to keep the Darkness from taking what matters most to her Heart.

Sometimes you have to get lost in the dark before you find your way back to the light.

 

 

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92 thoughts on “Ana’s Advent Calendar Day 11: Healing and Emotional Responsibility

  1. Roz Harrison says:

    Wonderful, thoughtful post Kellie, thank you 🙂 We often spend so much time listening to others and not enough time listening to ourselves.

    Hugs
    Roz

    Like

  2. Lara Estes says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this Kellie. There are times that being true to ones self can be a scary and sometimes lonely journey in its self. But that journey is well worth the trip,

    Like

    • kelliekamryn says:

      Lara, we have to remember that we are never alone, even if we are “different” than the rest of the world. We are all different with unique gifts, and we should never be ashamed to let them shine 🙂

      Like

    • kelliekamryn says:

      Finding one’s voice is a process, especially doing it in a way that honors yourself and everyone around you. It’s important to remember that those who don’t listen, well, it’s their problem, not yours. cheers 🙂

      Like

  3. catrouble says:

    It is not always easy to stop and listen to our inner voice but is something we really need to work at. Thank you for such a beautiful reminder Kellie!

    Hugs and Blessings…
    Cat

    Like

  4. AFOdom says:

    Chronic illnesses of any type, especially mental, can require so much more effort and self-care for personal healing. Learning how to say “I can’t commit right now” or “I have to leave earlier than expected” can be very hard to do.

    Admitting to oneself that healing without medical intervention might be necessary may also add extra challenge. Having family and friends who support healing efforts is such a blessing, and finding that support if one’s never had it can again make self-healing seem farther away.

    But if the start of this journey seems incredibly daunting, finding *one* single person to help take the first step can make all the difference in the world. Kellie, it just might be that this beautiful post is something that can help people take that first hard step. Thanks so much for sharing yourself.

    Like

    • kelliekamryn says:

      There are many challenges to healing. True healing, no matter if you wish medical intervention or not, starts with going inside to see what patterns created the illness in the first place. Maybe the outcome won’t be what we expect, and healing the wounds to our soul is just as challenging and demanding as physical wounds.

      I have been fortunate to find individuals after a lifetime of searching who support my process. Everyone’s process is different, and each person has to find what works for them. I don’t mind sharing my process because it may help someone. Thank you for taking the time to listen to what I had to share. Peace be with you 🙂

      Like

  5. sassytwatter says:

    This post totally resonated with me.
    Over the last few years have looked inward and the out at my relationships. Some have deepened others have not. One of the hardest has been walking away from a family member that was toxic for years tried to help and we were enabling we just saw him this past weekend and while he is better and trying to get his life on track he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions which makes it diffuclt. Anyways thank you for the post.

    Like

    • kelliekamryn says:

      Thank you for checking it out. I’ve had to “let go” of people who didn’t want to be responsible for themselves too. Even though you try to help them, it’s important to take care of you as well. It’s like being on an airplane – put on your oxygen mask first before you assist someone else. Some times no matter what you do, someone else won’t want your brand of help. And that’s ok – everyone’s journey is different.

      Like

    • Sarah Bennett says:

      Indeed. Family can be some of the most toxic people in our lives. Good for in taking steps away from them.

      I’ve had to walk away from most of my biological family to create a new one with those who do accept me completely. It also helps that I no longer hate myself every day.
      Baby steps.

      Like

      • kelliekamryn says:

        Everything starts with baby steps. I am glad to hear you are loving yourself now.

        It is hard to step away from emotionally toxic people. When you heal within, then you can bring people back into your life on your own terms because their actions will no longer bother you.

        Like

  6. Joelle Casteel says:

    thanks for sharing your thoughts, Kellie. I want to share the story of mashed potatoes- it’s kinda of answering Ana’s questions too. My mother has been verbally and emotionally abusive all my life. As an adult with support from my dominant, I’ve worked to be able to stay connected to my family of origin, even with all the problems my mother still causes/tries to cause. This year around Thanksgiving, I didn’t do quite as well as I could though. I offered to make mashed potatoes and it set out a month of quibbling, hurt feelings, me experimenting with making vegan “butter” and “sour cream.” All because my mother couldn’t simply take my offer to make homemade mashed potatoes and say thank you. In the nastiest tone of voice she could muster, she sniped, “I like sour cream in my mashed potatoes.” Well at the end of the day, I ended up taking home most of the mashed potatoes lol and I enjoyed them. To explain further on mashed potatoes, one of the helps I do with my parents is never to visit for any holiday or other reason without taking my own food because I’m vegan, hypoglycemic, and a recovering anorexic… and my mother loves not including me in meals. Someone said on FB when I was venting “Why not tell your father you want to see him without your mother?” Sighs, I think I said something about the dozen or so people other than my mother than I wanted to see, but then I withdrew from the conversation. To me, I think continuing to be there around my family on my own terms is what I need to have to work through the hurts from my mother.

    Like

      • Joelle Casteel says:

        thanks for the hugs, Sarah 🙂 You know, I’m still sitting with at time “Why couldn’t she just say thanks?” And use a vegan margarine and a non-dairy milk. It shouldn’t have been an issue. But yeah, I’ll be going shopping for things for me for Christmas soon 😀 That’s always fun

        Like

    • kelliekamryn says:

      Thank you for sharing your story, Joelle. A lot of us have issues with our parents in this way. I too have had to step away from family members in order to heal. People don’t understand when we change and they want us to stay the same. It can be difficult to stay true to ourselves, but for me, I have been able to bring certain people back into my life because I’m stronger in who I am and feel no need to apologize. Plus, when they get out of line, I just excuse myself, and do not feel bad for it. It has taken me a lot of work to get to this place, but it’s been worth it.

      Like

      • Joelle Casteel says:

        Definitely, learning to excuse yourself is a big thing. My dominant has taken to saying, before I leave for a family thing, “Remember, if your mother gets too bad, just leave. I’ll be here waiting for you.” He has a long, bad history with my mother and so doesn’t go to my family things; while sometimes I’d like Him to be there, I think having Him relaxed and waiting at home is best 😀

        Like

    • Chickie says:

      Toxic family members…. geesh! I’ve finally come to terms with it. For me, though, I dont have to put up with toxic to enjoy the company of anyone else. Mostly they’re all so toxic they avoid each other anyway. For years I’d convinced myself it was me. People joke that crazy people think they’re normal and everybody else is crazy. I’d convinced myself that the difficult one was me. Nope. Okay, maybe a little lol. It’s made holidays better, less stressful. Finally enforcing boundaries makes me look like a complete jerk, but I’d rather be judged for my jerkiness than deal with the fallout.

      Like

      • Joelle Casteel says:

        yeah, enforcing those boundaries no matter what, Chickie. Drives me nuts that my mother would ruin it for everyone, whatever it is, by making it so she has her way. It made me ponder though, after the debacle of the mashed potatoes, when I mentioned needing to bring our own pillows (for dyed hair, because if my pink or my son’s blue got on her pillow cases, she’d be awful), my dom’s first comment was “Why are you going to your parents again so soon?” lol yes, He is not the son-in-law my mother wanted 😀

        Like

      • kelliekamryn says:

        I had convinced myself of much the same thing Chickie – but we are not crazy. We just want different and there’s nothing wrong with that 🙂

        Like

  7. Sarah Bennett says:

    Thanks so much, Kellie, for your post. These last few Christmases have been rough for me since I came out. My family doesnt really accept me as I am so I’ve been blazing my own trail. This year has been one of great transition for me with a few moves, new love, pet loss, leaving a job, financial challenges, etc.
    Your post is a great reminder to let go of the past and move forward healthily and with confidence. Here’s to that effort.

    Hugs to all here today. 🙂 may we all stand tall and walk proudly into our new year ahead.

    Like

  8. P.T. Wyant says:

    Great timing on this post, these words especially: “Once you have changed your situation, take time to heal, lance your emotional wounds, purge the poison plaguing your heart…”

    There was a period where we went several years with no contact — my choice, and it was wonderfully healing and empowering for me. I still feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her (there are a lot of topics that just cannot be brought up) so I find that I still stay away — being around her is draining for me. (I’m an introvert anyhow, and I find that my main response to a stressor is to retreat inward.) And for the last couple of days I seem to have once again been processing some deep-seated anger toward her, a reminder that healing — especially emotional — is an on-going journey.

    Like

    • kelliekamryn says:

      Yes, healing is an ongoing journey. What is important is to stop and examine “hurt” along the way, and purge it from your body in order to free you up.

      I am glad you are going on your own healing journey. Many blessings to you 🙂

      Like

  9. Mary M. says:

    Thank you for your post, Kellie. One of the things I have had the hardest time doing as an adult is to put myself first and give myself credit at appropriate times.I was raised to make sure everyone around me was comfortable and enjoying themselves before I thought of myself. It took me many years to find out that you can never make certain people happy! My source of validation has become more and more internal as I mature.

    Like

    • kelliekamryn says:

      Making other people happy never works in the end because everyone is responsible for their own happiness. This is a concept that can be hard to grasp if we are raised to always put others first.
      Keep giving yourself credit, Mary. You are a wonderful human being as we all are 🙂

      Like

  10. Laura says:

    Boy, this post really struck a chord with me. If it’s ok with you I’d like to copy this and keep it in my forever file. Reading this has helped me more than you’ll ever know. Thank you Kellie.

    Like

  11. Renee says:

    Thank you for your spot on post. This is something I struggle with daily. My personality is to be a people pleaser and I am the family peacekeeper. Unfortunately, that position often opens one up to being used for target practice. As an empath, I feel everyone’s strong emotions. It can be overwhelming. I have never learned to turn it off so sometimes I just need to walk out of the room or not go places that I know are toxic. For many years I felt guilty but I am slowly learning that it is okay to do what is needed for me. It is okay to say no, I will not be at that event or I need to leave now. In recent months, I have taken up the mantra that I can only control my responses/actions and I am not responsible for other people’s responses/actions. Thank you for sharing. Blessings. R

    Like

    • kelliekamryn says:

      I was also the people pleaser and the family peacekeeper for many years. Then I stopped. I’m also a strong empath, so I have a tendency, one which I’m breaking, of not speaking up when I should because I accept people just are who they are, and no matter what I say, I can’t change them. learning to find my voice and do what’s right for me, takes practice. Blessings to you as well Renee 🙂

      Like

  12. Amy says:

    What a beautiful post, Kellie. It took me far too long to realize there were things I needed to change in order to be more free to listen well and love better. Once I did, though, I was glad.

    Your book looks really good! Sounds like exactly the sort of thing I would enjoy. 🙂

    Like

  13. abby says:

    Thank you for sharing…..there is often so much ‘noise’ in our lives…we fail to even realize we are losing ourselves to it. Finding…and listening…to that inner voice allows us to be who we really are…and want to bel.
    hugs abby

    Like

    • kelliekamryn says:

      As one of my fave songs says, “…somebody stepped inside your soul, til little by little, somebody else was in control.” I lost myself for a long time and am excited to rediscover who I am even if it’s a little painful at times.

      Like

  14. Chickie says:

    Thanks for such important advice. I’m going through waves of change and healing. It started with ending toxic relationships with more distant family members and many friends. That was a struggle because I was essentially alienating myself from my own life. I haven’t recovered on the friends side… I’m finding it hard to trust or get close to anyone. A few months ago I cut ties to my brother and actually began enforcing boundaries with parents. Worst part is how lonely this whole process has been and I’m continuously doubting if avoiding turmoil is a good investment in myself.

    Ahead lies the hardest part and that’s at home. It’s a toxic relationship. But we don’t argue in front of kids and were perfectly happy as far as they know. The biggest struggle is maintaining a happy two parent family for them and a perfect childhood. I will always put them first. Change may come when they’re older. I blame my attraction to toxic people on growing up in a big stew pot full of poison. I hope to end that cycle by providing the stability evey child deserves. So in that sense I’m embracing that needed change no matter what happens over the coming years.

    Like

    • kelliekamryn says:

      The process to discovering our inner self can feel like a lonely one. I’m fortunate to have found a few friends and an excellent facilitator who is helping me through the process. Once we can see the patterns we have created in our lives, we can break them for good, and not repeat them. Such vigilance is hard work, but it’s worth it. Thanks for sharing 🙂

      Like

  15. Laurel Lasky says:

    It seems that many people come from dysfunctional families. I’m 71 and at times, especially during holidays, I find it hard to let go. Sexually abused by my father starting at age 7, emotionally abused, hearing my little brother being emotionally abused by my bigoted father and being bullied in school was a time of horror but we survived. I still have flashbacks but I’m better able to handle them and occasionally see a therapist, who gives me coping skills.
    It is a lonely process and very hard work but it helps to talk about it. Ana’s blog has been a godsend and a safe place to verbalize my feelings.
    Thank you Kellie for your wonderful post.

    Like

  16. JC says:

    This post is very true. Ask over you meet people who refuse to take responsibility for themselves. Whether it is their emotions out their outward actions. It is time four each of us to look inward and change ourselves instead of trying to change others.

    Like

  17. pieclown says:

    Thank you for sharing. I am sorry I did not read into it much. I know that my clowning has changed others. But I have had losses. This year 2 kids that where at the hospital several times I clown there, lost their fight. I have to recall how they were happy when I was being silly. I hope the clowns Up There, can keep them laughing.

    Like

    • kelliekamryn says:

      Whatever you took from this post, I thank you for stopping by. Helping others to smile or feel less alone is important. Kudos to you for doing that 🙂

      Like

  18. Katie says:

    This is a great reminder to listen to ourselves, and take care of us. For it is truly in doing so that we can then go forward and help others. Like they say on the airlines- help yourself to the lifevest, mask etc,. and then go on to help others. Thanks for that Kellie! Nice post! Many hugs,

    ❤ Katie

    Like

  19. Shannon Love says:

    Hi there!
    Thank you so much for sharing. Over the past few years I have learned the same lesson. I cut ties with toxic family members and eventually stopped feeling guilty about it. For me, it took having 3 kids and having their best interest and feelings in mind when making these decisions.
    I feel a little silly for thinking I wasn’t worth the freedom from all the hurt. I would have just stayed the course and allowed one person to make me feel like I never have or never will be worth anything. Since this person was my mother, I went through life thinking any person that meets me doesn’t like me (since the first person that met me never did). Now that I have kids, I make sure they know how much they are worth.
    Being mindful of my kids’ feelings trained me to be mindful of my own. I’m almost glad I went through something like this. I feel it makes me a kinder person to my husband and kids. When I’m frustrated, I don’t say anything that I may regret later because I know how long-lasting that kind of hurt is.
    Again, thank you for sharing. This really gave me more food for thought.

    Like

    • kelliekamryn says:

      Hi Shannon – thank you for sharing that. I had issues with my mother as well. I made sure not to repeat the same things with mine, although when I did, I stopped to make sure I didn’t repeat the pattern. Reversing our past patterns is important. It sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job of being good to yourself and your kids, and your husband. I’m glad this post touched something in you ❤

      Like

  20. minellesbreath says:

    This was very profound. I can tell how much you have thought about the variable and complicated process healing is. Your advise to listen to that inner voice is something we all should do.
    As women we give all the time with an open heart and sometimes we need emotional support only we ourselves can give.

    Like

    • kelliekamryn says:

      We are often taught that it’s selfish to take care of ourselves, but we cannot take care of others well if we don’t learn to do so for ourselves. I’m glad you enjoyed the post 🙂

      Like

  21. Kyra says:

    Thank you Kellie so much for this. I have been going through so much lately and have been ignoring my inner voice. Tonight I did somersault searching and let go. I listened…really listened. I hope air can follow through and make great, life changing decisions in the coming year.
    Also I am definitely going to purchase this book.
    Thanks once again for your post.

    Like

    • kelliekamryn says:

      Thank you so much for stopping by to share Kyra 🙂 Listening to our inner voice can be difficult especially when it’s telling us something we don’t want to hear. Some times the hardest things give us the biggest rewards. Many blessings to you ❤

      Like

  22. Marybeth says:

    I started letting myself not care about other’s opinions of myself. I learned that I like myself the way I am and that my family loves me for me as well. Turning 50 has been a special year!

    Like

  23. kelliekamryn says:

    Thank you everyone for stopping by to read, comment and join in the discussion. I appreciate it immensely 🙂 My apologies for not replying last evening – it’s a busy time of year for me with my four children in Christmas concerts LOL I got home last night and was very tired, and my inner voice told me to take a break. I’m catching up with everyone today. Thank you for your understanding and patience ❤

    Like

  24. michellewillms2013 says:

    I think I need to connect with your page and find more conversations. Sometimes, I become so lost. Once I was able to ascribe to all that you’ve said. Now, as I’m bogged down in chronic health issues and financial crisis, it’s so much harder to remember the inner strength I once had. I struggle to continue in this journey. What contributions can I make to the world? How can I ever regain self-sufficiency and success? Do I deserve what has befallen me? These questions and more plague me day after day.

    Thank you so much for your post. Your words touched a chord in me that needed to be touched. What will happen as a result, I don’t know. I only know that I am so very, very tired.

    Like

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