Church of the Wooden Spoon

Church of the Wooden Spoon

So. I believe in lighting candles rather than cursing the darkness. In my dismay at the new laws allowing people to refuse service based on religious beliefs (which, as far as I can tell, do not exempt emergency service providers such as EMTs or firefighters), I felt dispirited. Disappointed. Sad for what this might mean for the future of our society.

I could complain about the laws, or I could do something instead. I may not have the legal or political clout to do something that way, but I’m a writer. I enjoy humor. So…in response to this law, I have founded a Church of the Wooden Spoon. I created it as a joke and added two people because Facebook doesn’t allow a group without members.

Within a few hours, the requests for membership starting coming in! So far, we are thirty-eight members strong and still growing. Find us on Facebook and ask to join! The first New Member Class will conclude at the end of today.

What? I’m not any crazier than the people passing these laws. 😀

So far, we have a few rules:

Rules of the Church of the Wooden Spoon (will be updated as necessary):

1. ‪#‎CabbageIsSexy‬
2. We are not celibate.
3. Traditional theology dictates that the edges of the wooden spoon must be rounded. However, a special task force is preparing a study on whether angled spoons (formerly known as spatulas and therefore heretics) may be accepted.
4. Wooden Spoon means WOODEN SPOON. No metal spoons, no spatulas, no silicone!
5. It is our sincere religious belief that the Wooden Spoon forbids us to have any business dealings with homophobes. Therefore, as a protected class under US law, we may refuse to serve homophobes in our daily lives.

We even have two prayers. One was composed in Latin by Emily Tilton:

O coclear fidele, tuum auxilium devote rogamus hodie, ut nates illorum qui flagellationem desiderent!


You’ll have to ask Emily what it means. 🙂

The prayer I composed is in English:

O Magnificent Spoon of Wonder
We give thanks to you and strive to honor you
Guide us and protect us, O Spoon,
That we may live in the glory of your ways.

Please don’t ask about the angled spoon debacle. We’re all reeling from the internal conflict. What? You insist on knowing? Okay, okay. Here is the public statement:

It is NOT true that the Church of the Wooden Spoon has splintered into a protest church, the Church of the Wooden Spatula. We at the Church of the Wooden Spoon are working hard to reach out to these lost sheep and bring them back into the fold.

I have commissioned a task force to prepare a statement on the Church of the Wooden Spoon’s position on the shape of the wooden spoon and whether angled edges will be accepted as orthodox.

Please, in times of founding a new church it is easy to get lost in divisive rhetoric. Let’s not get distracted by the little details and instead focus on the glory that is the Wooden Spoon.

We are a new church, and this was an enormous blow. The less said, the better. Even worse, we’re getting reports of publicly expressing love for riding crops, getting seduced by a traveling salesman to love an angled wooden spoon, and *gasp* attending the church of the SILICONE spoon!

The Holy Mistress is not pleased.

If you want to win a wooden spoon of your own, plus an autographed set of cooking chopsticks, visit Jessica Subject’s blog for a post on Hyunkyung Han’s Top 5 Favorite Spanking Implements!

Plus, check out this wonderful 5-star review for Living in Sin by Amy at Inked Rainbow Reads!


Vobis gratulor! llongyfarchiadau! Tahniah! Comhghairdeas! Ongratulationscay!


Comhghairdeas le Pao , Holla Dean agus Emily Tilton. Tá áthas an domhain orm go raibh an t-ádh leo. Bhuaigh Pao Cárta speciálta, bhuaigh Holla Dean The Spirit of Giving ó Penelope Hasler agus bhuaigh Emily Tilton Fracture: Divergence ón Erik Schubach.

Congratulations to Pao, Holla Dean and Emily Tilton. I’m delighted they were lucky. Pao won a special card, Holla Dean won The Spirit of Giving by Penelope Hasler and Emily Tilton won Fracture: Divergence by Erik Schubach.

(Translation courtesy of helper elf Tara Finnegan)


1. Yes, I have read and understood Ana’s instructions. This feels like the ‘Terms and Conditions’ box we tick on an online form…
2. I did!
3. I heard about Ana’s Advent Calendar and advent calendars from Ana. I didn’t know there was such a thing til last year.
4. Mm, I hope to visit everyday except for a week or so in the beginning :)
5. I don’t know… the prizes are an added plus. I just like seeing people participating in the event.
6. I’m playing this year because I played last year and it was fun to read the many things about Christmas as I don’t really celebrate it at home.
7. I am pao and I’ve been here for a while. Who am I… geez, such a difficult question :P Mm, I’m a student abroad and I have not lived long enough to have much to say about myself.
8. Hi Katie T (robskatie)! Hope to see you everyday here this month :D

Thank you, Ana for your Advent Calendar :D You were counting down to December the 1st that I felt like today was special and I should wish you or something. Excitement is contagious!

Holla Dean

Oh my goodness, this will be such fun. Let’s see if I can do this right.

1. Yes, I have read all the rules and I do understand them but may have to reread them.
2. No, I did not participate last year but wish I did.
3. Ana asked if I would like to contribute one of my Xmas books and of course I said yes.
4. I should be here everyday though the last few might get iffy as I’ll be visiting family.
5. I’ll be thrilled to win anything.
6. Once Ana asked me to contribute I was sucked in. It sounds like a lot of fun and I don’t know why I didn’t participate last year, I don’t think I knew about it.
7. I am Holla Dean and I’m an author. I’ve been lurking on governing ana (and a gazillion other blogs) for about two years. I write romance stories and novels; most of which have spanking and domestic discipline featured. I am married, have two grown children, and two adorable grandsons. I’ve finally started my own blog just a short time ago and it’s been an ongoing work in progress. I love this blogging community and feel like I know so many of you even though you may not know me. The way everyone here welcomes all the newcomers with open arms is simply wonderful.
8. Hi Sandy (SH). Welcome, I think we’ll all have a spankin’ good time with Ana’s Advent Calendar and we’ll all get to know new people.

Emily Tilton

1. Yes.
2. No.
3. Somehow I was lucky enough to have Ana invite me to contribute to Spank or Treat. It seems like once you do an Ana event, all the other Ana events suddenly beam themselves into your consciousness. So, I suppose the real answer is, I don’t know. ;)
4. I want to comment every day!
5. I really just want to play. If I get a prize, yay! :D
6. My love of this strange and wonderful community makes me want to participate in everything I can.
7. Under this name I write BDSM fiction with a heavy spanking emphasis. My style is strange. In this persona, I have a wonderful dominant husband who spanks me very, very often, just the way I like it; we play at DD. I hang out here whenever I can!
8. Hi Ami! Congrats on the grandkids, though I can’t imagine they’re truly disreputable. ;)

Have you signed up for Ana’s Advent Calendar 2013 yet?

  1. Sign up sheet
  2. FAQ
  3. Code of Conduct
  4. Main page
  5. Prize Donor Contact List


Monday Morning Fika with Emily Tilton: The Samois Dynamic

I’ve made no secret of my love for the middle section of Story of O, the chapter entitled “Anne-Marie and the Rings.” In this section, O is delivered by Sir Stephen, her master and owner, to a château called Samois where a femdom named Anne-Marie rules over an establishment comprising only women–all of them except Anne-Marie herself submissives who have been sent to Samois for training by their owners.

I have been absolutely captivated by this fantasy-constellation since the first time I read it, and recognized in it, as in so many other parts of Story of O, the perfection of various permutations I had been through in my own feverish imaginings and in the BDSM books I had managed to find and hide away to be consulted, and re-consulted, over and over until I could practically recite the naughtiest scenes word-for-word. So perfect do I find Samois as an embodiment of what might be called the “feminine training for masculine dominance” dynamic that the whole constellation simply goes by the name “Samois” for me.

Thus, when in my Victorian pastiche I created an establishment called “Smith’s” for the training of submissive brides, and put in charge of it one of my favorite characters of all those I’ve ever created, a widow named Mrs. Smith (her Christian name is revealed for the very first time in the excerpt below, from the forthcoming Emily’s Return to Smith’s), I was consciously creating a Samois of my own.

In this excerpt, Emily Orn Wilkes, who’s my fictional great-great-grandmother, has returned to Smith’s after her wedding-night with her husband Edmund, to be fitted for an additional “instrument of discipline” of which she as yet only knows the name: petit-maître (little master).


I was completely naked. When Mrs. Smith had said, “Everything off, if you please, Mrs. Wilkes,” I had paid far more attention to her use of my married name than I had to the command to disrobe that would have so horrified me only two days before. Being naked at Smith’s was as natural as donning one’s petticoats at home, or saying “please” and “thank you.” Polly had been there to help me off with my gown, and my corset, and my crinolines. I had removed my stockings and lowered my drawers almost without thinking about it, and Polly had drawn the shift over my head, and I was as bare as I had been when Mrs. Smith had first helped me undress in her parlor–more naked, in fact, for on that occasion I had still had my private curls.

“There, Mrs. Wilkes!” Mrs. Smith had said, still clothed herself, of course. “Now you are a proper bride, are you not?”

I had blushed a bit, but I had not lowered my eyes. “I suppose I am, Mrs. Smith. What new trial awaits me?” I had meant to be severe, but I had been unable to stop my mouth from twisting up at the corner.

Mrs. Smith had smiled in response, and said, “Nothing so hard as what I’m sure you have undergone these last twenty-four hours, Mrs. Wilkes!” She had laid her hand against my cheek, then, for a moment. It would have been a shocking freedom for anyone but a family-member, in any other situation, I suppose, but as you know Mrs. Smith was already becoming a second mother to me, and, really, more of a mother than she who bore me. “Was it so bad, Emily?” she had asked, softly.

Tears had welled up in my eyes, but they had not been not tears of sadness. “No,” I murmured. “Truly. . .” my voice had trailed off. Had I been ready, at that moment, to confess all to her? To tell her how terribly even now I longed to be over my new husband’s lap, feeling his powerful hand exploding against my bottom? over his saddle, feeling his yard impaling me shamefully? “Truly, no, Mrs. Smith.” I was not ready, yet, I had decided.

She had looked into my eyes, for a long moment. “Emily,” she had said, using my Christian name for the first time since the morning two days before, after she had taken me over her lap to spank me, “I should like to bring you to my bed tonight. I have power to command your attendance upon me there, but I should like you to come of your own free will.”

I had looked back into her grey eyes, and imagined. I had thought of seducing Sarah Garrison on that mossy bank, of how she had tasted, and how it had felt to taste her. Attending Mrs. Smith would be very different, I had known, but the memory of the tenderness of Sarah’s caress had drawn me back to that sunny day, and I had known I wanted to be brought to Mrs. Smith’s bed. I wanted it more than anything.

“Oh, Mrs. Smith.”

She had been able to tell my answer from my tone. “In my bed, you will call me Anne.” She had patted my bottom. “Now it is time for your ‘new trial’, as you call it, Miss Pert.” Just as Edmund had, when pushing me towards my saddle the night before, Mrs. Smith had applied pressure to my bare posterior, and I had complied, laying myself over the fitting stool, where it sat upon the divan.


The essential elements of the Samois dynamic, for me, are the following.

  • The establishment is all female.
  • The head of the establishment is a femdom.
  • The head of the establishment nevertheless trains submissives for men.
  • The head of the establishment knows much more about BDSM than the men ever will.

I hope you’ll agree with me that the dynamic is a fascinating one, even if you wish to debate some of the elements. (I should mention that I’m also aware of the importance of Samois in a very different realm: some of the leading female lights of the early BDSM scene in San Francisco organized themselves under the name, and I hope you won’t take my treatment of the theme here as either attempting to discuss or to undercut their contribution to BDSM culture.)

In particular, the element that gives me pause is the third one. I’m glad to say that I abandoned traditional understandings of sexual orientation a while ago: I’m happily cis, and happily straight, and happily queer, and even a bit happily trans from time to time. Really, I suppose I’m just totally BDSM. Nevertheless, it makes me feel guilty to assert that part of the hotness of Samois is that the girls are being trained for men, and I’m not sure why it should be necessary.

The guess I want to hazard, to get discussion going, is that a kind of paradox finds expression in the Anne-Marie/Mrs. Smith figure: in order for her to attain to the height of BDSM power, she must be the mistress of both traditional sexes–in the terms of old-fashioned masculinist psychoanalysis, she can’t have the phallus unless she’s taking possession of it from the men who send their submissives to her, and transfer to her their authority over their subs. Feminine dominance, in the Samois construction, has to be borrowed from men–in order that it be displayed as superior to masculine dominance.

Why do Anne-Marie and Mrs. Smith need to borrow that phallic dominance? (Remember that we’re talking about a fantasy, and the way it gets me unbearably hot, and not about anybody’s real domestic arrangements.) From my perspective, as a relatively straight sub, Anne-Marie has to be in charge of O and the other girls (including, frankly, in my imagination, fantasy-me) as an embodiment of their owners’ authority–that is, as a wielder of the phallus–because, I blush to disclose, the phallus really is the object of my desire.Thanks to the wonders of feminist theory, I know that my husband isn’t actually in possession of the phallus any more than I am; it’s just that the reasonable facsimile that dangles and rises between his thighs works really, really well for me as something I want to have doing various things that make me feel fulfilled, erotically speaking.

I’m sure your mileage varies! How much, and in what ways?



I, Emily Tilton, if I exist, am a human rights lawyer who resides in Greenwich, CT. It’s more likely that I’m actually someone else, who wishes she were as free to play out her real fantasies as Emily Tilton is.


EXPLORATIONS is a narrative version of my nearly lifelong quest to reconcile my submissive erotic orientation with my ethics. See this post on my blog for a frequently updated guide to the series:


Over the many years since I became aware of my sometimes unbearable craving for ravishment, spanking, and above all anal domination, I have tried to come to terms with that craving in more ways than I can count. The first of the ways was by reading, voraciously, every piece of good BDSM erotica (and of course also a ton of bad BDSM erotica) I could find.


Eventually, I read Story of O. As is reflected throughout EXPLORATIONS, it changed my life, though the change has been gradual, and continues to this day. The idea that other women might share the lusts I have by turns been ashamed of and defiantly proud of, that a woman like the real Pauline Réage might write so beautifully of those lusts, and work them out so thoroughly and even pitilessly on a character, put Réage’s famous pencil in my right hand. Or, to put it in the terms of EXPLORATIONS, it put my left hand on the keyboard of my laptop and my right hand in my lap, if you know what I mean. I started to write spanking stories.


Buy EXPLORATIONS: Books 21-24 (the first Victorian collection, with lots of Mrs. Smith)

Buy Emily’s Victorian Bridal Chamber  at Amazon.

 Emily Tilton’s blog



“Emily, I do not think that I am capable of ruining you, but that fact does not mean that I will not try. John told me the story as a schoolboy might, unheeding of its real significance—or at least of its significance to me. But I knew what it really meant—that you were born for me, because you were born for the sort of life to which I invite you. I will admit that I do not fathom as deeply as some the desires at work in the ‘great drama’, but my deep feeling of them makes up, not only in my eyes, but in the eyes of many others, for my less refined understanding. That is why I was allowed to establish credit at Smith’s. There are some doors that new money could never open on its own.”

In the 27th book of Explorations, as the story of fantasy-Emily’s connection with Prophettown gathers a frightening sort of momentum, the story of Victorian Emily’s wedding-night also comes to its crisis point.

This book of EXPLORATIONS contains fiction elaborating the following sorts of fantasy that you may wish to avoid: Ff, Mf, ageplay, spanking. It’s intended for over-18 audiences who, like me, are interested in exploring the lines between pleasure and pain, dominance and submission, and fantasy and reality. All characters depicted are consenting adults.

The Explorations series is a unique take on BDSM above all because of the strong individual voice of Emily Tilton herself, manifestly shaping the fantasy-elaborations of the series. Because Emily is interested in helping herself and others understand how BDSM can be lived within a mostly vanilla existence, the way most of us have to live it, Explorations has a unique element that Emily hopes will set it apart and make it useful: Emily has created a fantasy-version of herself (keeping to the tropes of the genre she knows so well, fantasy-Emily is an eighteen-year-old virginal bride with a self-abuse “problem”), whose fantasies and “realities” are the central subject of the stories of Explorations–but the real Emily also keeps her authorial, real voice in the margins, explaining and analyzing, and revealing from time to time the much more mundane, real version of the things Emily has transformed in the story of her fantasy-self. This doubling of the “I” in the first-person narrative of Explorations makes the series worth exploring all on its own. Come for the hot D/s, spanking, anal action. Stay for the exploration.